What a lousy halloween

Well, i guess i should not complain too much, since nothing tragic happened. Just a sequence of annoying events.

This morning i got up at 5:30, i think. I took a shower and was able to prepare my lecture before the kiddos woke up. Also i have been sleeping on the couch since C seems to sleep better when i am not sleeping in the same room as her. The couch is not terribly comfortable. I was happy to get up at 5:30.

So, dh is away, so i have to drive C to day care. Oh, i mentioned that already in relation to the day care halloween party debacle. This morning it took me nearly 2 hours to drop off the kids, and the same in the afternoon. Yes, four hours of my day is in the car/stuck in traffic. I barely made it to class on time. Luckily i only have to do it twice more, then my mom is coming to visit. I never thought i would say that -- 'luckily my mom is coming to visit' -- but 4 hours of traffic a day will do that to you.

Okay, school went fine, picked up the kids. I finished C's costume yesterday and i was SO looking forward to posting a picture of her in it here, because it would be abominably cute. I got this beautiful rainbow-dyed ribbon yarn and knitted her a little cape-thing so she could be a 'rainbow princess'. However, she totally flat-out refuses to wear the thing. Completely and totally hates it -- screams at the top of her lungs. I even attempted to bribe her with not one, not two, but a *whole package* of cookies -- all to no avail. All i ended up with was a screaming kid and cookie crumbs all over my kitchen and hallway. Eventually it seemed borderline abusive to try to get her to wear this thing....

By this point it is 6 pm and getting dark. All the neighbors are out, eating hotdogs (D. had a barbecue) and handing out candy to the few trick-or-treaters who come around here. The weather is warm (for October 31) So i gave up on C's costume, and Alexander had dressed himself, and away we went.

Did i mention that though i have bought pumpkins, noone had time to carve them?

Well, there are really only 10 houses on our block, and only 4 are giving away candy, so that was pretty quick. Basically we hung around with the neighbors eating hotdogs. C really could not figure out why we were out at night, not going to bed like she usually does. She nearly choked on a chip that someone gave her, fell down on her face off of K.'s porch steps, had a screaming fight with A over a fruit roll-up, ran up and down the block like a maniac, and got scared by some kid in a mask. R. tried to teach her to do trick-or-treat but no luck on that one. A jumped around with his bow & arrows, being very patient.

Since A still wanted to trick-or-treat, we then loaded ourselves into the car and went to visit his friend Cam, so he could go trick-or-treating with Cam. Since Cam's mom had invited us. Well, that was fine except that when we GOT there, she had forgotten that Cam was going to a party so he wasn't there. And she had run out of candy (i brought her some luckily), and the baby was asleep in the car. Their neighborhood is good for trick-or-treating so i sent A around to the houses nearby. Then it started to rain.

Then...after about 20 minutes or so it started to POUR. So i left Cam's house in search of A, who ought to have come BACK when the rain started but he did not so i was afraid he got lost in the dark or something.....of course i am being poured rain on and all freaked out about the kid -- why did i let him go alone even for 20 minutes blah blah, because all of a sudden the streets are deserted. Because it is pouring DUH.

Eventually i turned around and figured maybe i should drive around to look for him, so i went back to the house...and of course he was there the whole time, i had just missed him....sigh.

So, long story short, he didn't have much candy, Cam was at this party so he didn't get to play with Cam, C was freaked out and then fell asleep in the car so her night is going to be crazy (i can expect lots of night waking) and i am just tired...

Worst mom at daycare

Do you remember years ago there was a new yorker cartoon by Roz Chast -- "Bad Mom Cards -- collect them all!". I lost my copy of the cartoon when we moved but i think by now i *have* probably done them all....except orange soda for breakfast.

Okay but this is really NOT my fault. See, it's my DH who drops off & picks up C at daycare. Her daycare is next to his work -- there wasn't one around our home that i liked, and it is very convenient for him to take her. She goes 3 days a week. But he is hopeless -- he never talks to the teachers, he forgets her sheets that need laundered, he is late so he runs out without the 'toddler tidbits' sheet that says what she has done all day and what she needs. And even though there are signs posted all over the place for a week, he does not realize that their halloween party is TODAY.

So, he left today to Japan, so i picked her up. I get there and see the sign. The party is in the evening but they were mostly wearing costumes all day, except MY child. There is an adorable picture on the wall of the whole class in their halloween costumes and C in the middle....dressed like C. Of course i picked her up at 5 and the party is at 6 and the place is more than 1/2 hour from my house so there is no hope of anything. So yes we came for the party and stood around, and yes my child was the only one without a costume. And i don't know anyone's name, or any of the kids, or the code to get in, because i almost NEVER go there.

For the record she does HAVE a costume, or she will have on Monday. The blasted holiday is on MONDAY, i have a whole weekend yet. We don't have a pumpkin yet either. I am making C's costume, actually, so right now she has only one sleeve. But i hope it will be done. If i KNEW i had to have it for today, i could have done it. But noone told me, so now i look like mrs. uninvolved mother.....

a tale told by an idiot

I got a rare email from my father yesterday. The subject line was 'NEWS' and the news was the following -- he got a new dog, and my cousin L committed suicide (in that order).

Now, L was my first cousin on my father's side, my father's sister's oldest son. He was 42 and living in Germany, and i only met him once in my life so it is not that i am very broken up about his death or anything. They say he was depressed for many years. It is confusing and disturbing to add suicide to the becoming-lengthy list of family ills....i don't know if he had a wife & kids, i don't know his circumstances. I don't know much about my father's family in general -- he is not very good about keeping up with such things. I do not even have a picture of *anyone* from that side, which is bizarre when you come to think of it. With Day of the Dead coming up, i would put up L's picture but i don't have one, even one of him as a little boy -- i don't think my mom has one either. You cannot really expect us...me....to be close to family i never knew, because i grew up here in the US and they were in a communist country and travel was not possible. But you would think we would at least have some *pictures*, the way we do of my mom's side. Huh.

Of course i emailed this to my mom, because he is her nephew too....i just bumped my dad's email to her though, probably not the smartest idea but i have been tired lately. I am sure she does feel bad about his death, more than i do for sure. She responded with a lengthy missive that i did not entirely read -- starting with asking for more details of L's life, which as i said i have no idea of. Then on to 'well V was always a bad mother anyway', (which might in fact be true but jeez -- remember ladies, whatever your kids do, it is always your fault) and then the tirade about the new dog.

Now, i thought it was odd in the mail that he would lead with the new dog and then proceed to the suicide -- one usually starts with the most pressing, or important, news first. But that is my dad for you...not really all there with the interpersonal relationship skills, kwim? I expected my mom to tear him to shreds for that -- she has a right, after all. But guess what she picked up to pick on? The fact that they (my father & his wife) adopted a dog from the pound, a dog that seems to have been abused -- quiet and skittish behaviour mostly from what my dad said.

'Why do they need an abused dog?' she writes 'So they can feel superior? This tells you alot about these people -- "we are so benevolent" they think'....

Okay....now dare i tell her that if i get a dog i will get one from the pound or a rescue, rather than pay $1000 (or whatever) for some purebred puppy? I had better wait until we DO get the dog.

I start to understand her more, her reactions against my 'causes' and whatnot. She just thinks the whole thing -- doing something for the community, whatever it is, grief oriented or not -- is a waste of time, that it is just self-aggrandizing, that that is the impetus behind it. She thinks -- pay attention to your own life, spend your energies there. You don't need to waste your time on that other stuff, it will get you nowhere. As she said to me the other day -- you had better pay attention to your career, so that when your husband hits 40 and leaves you since you are not thin enough for him after having all those kids, you have something to fall back on. So, okay then....

Well, yet another long post here, with no pretty pictures. Not in the supposed spirit of the blog....i will have to remedy that.

my bulbs came!

Ok, so i ordered most of my bulbs from white flower farm or bought them locally, and got them all in last weekend (except the crocuses which must wait until the lawn grows in better anyway). Except one batch of white double tulips ('Mount Tacoma') which i ordered from some place online that i had never heard of, because they had the best price. After i paid for them i had second thoughts -- they took payment only by paypal, and their website was not altogether in correct english. The idea was that the bulbs come direct from holland so it is cheaper? But then i thought maybe i got taken for a ride, and that feeling had grown stronger over the last 6-7 weeks when the bulbs continually failed to show up on my doorstep.

But all is well, they came yesterday. So if i can find time to put them in, now everything entirely will really be in (except the crocuses!) and i will be done with that -- i can just sit on my butt and wait until they all bloom beautifully next year HA HA. Except of course the weeding -- i really have to get down there and weed, it is getting kind of bad. Oh i hate weeds.

In big house news, Randy (the contractor) came back from his vacation all chipper and jaunty, and started building the front porch! I will take a pic when there is something to see -- right now it is just the beams for under the deck. And i am more than half done with the painting of the *&%^$^ balusters.

My dh is leaving for Japan on Friday, he will be gone for 2 weeks. I have a week alone with the kids, and then the week after my mom is coming up to help me out. So *that* should be interesting anyway....we will see. She is helpful though, and i think it is important for her to bond with C so that she can be less harsh in her judgement of her. A whole week of keeping my mouth shut, oh that will be fun. But then again also, i hope to get a good deal of work done -- if she is here to help out, she can watch the baby while i work. I *really* need to push some more papers out if i am to ever get tenure.

Oh, the other thing is that for the last 2 days i had my 'counselor training' at the crisis pregnancy center. Well, all i have to say is that i am going to try it, but we will see. These people are *very* churchy, and honestly i don't fit in. With the 'God's work' and the 'God's will' and the 'pray to God' and the 'Holy Spirit' and yadda yadda, they truly give me a headache. They are mostly Catholics, it seems -- but Catholics in the evangelical spirit, which seems to be a growing movement (problem! LOL) in the Catholic church. I myself am a Catholic in the totally lapsed 'i never even go to church anyway' sense -- very european, i guess!

Anyway it was alright until they started talking about politics, OH MY GOD, at that point i wanted to run and hide. Because i am in fact a flaming liberal in alot of ways, and here is this woman praising and praying for George Bush in a way in which she can't even *comprehend* why anyone in the world would not totally love the man. It's like, i don't even know where to *start* with that one. The whole premise of what she was saying is fundamentally flawed. Government is simply NOT about God. Not in this country, not yet -- i hope anyway.

It's like those dumb billboards we have around here -- "I want GOD back in my school". WTF is that? Go to a religious school then.

In fact i am politically pro-choice though morally pro-life -- which puts me in the bad position where *nobody* really agrees with me. Ah, the perils of intellectualizing a moral issue! I thought about this alot as a teenager, and it is one issue where i determined my stand and it has not changed at all, even though i have been through the unplanned pg thing and also the stillbirth of Nicolas. To me, the baby is life from the moment of....well, to split hairs from the moment of implantation. But i recognize this as a moral judgement on my part. Do i want to allow the government to make moral judgements like this for me? Not if i can help it, it is not their right to tell me what to believe. (When *can* the government make a moral judgement with a law? When there is a social consensus about that moral judgement -- for example, stealing is wrong.) But it is also my right to state what i believe, and to try to make change to support that. I gotta think that anyone coming to a crisis pg center is at least ambivalent about having an abortion, and maybe my words or experience can have some effect. But really i wish it could be done without the heavy dose of Holy Spirit talk....i don't know if i will end up staying there...

A long day

Grief fills the room up of my absent child
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.
Thus have I reason to be fond of grief.

-- William Shakespeare

This long day started, as so many of my long days seem to, with a phone call from my mother.

You know, i did not bring up Nicolas in *any* way. I don't know what started her. Firstly she had heard the Dalai Lama give an interview on the radio in which he said something about pain and you should sequester it in a corner of your mind or something. But she told me that, and went on to other things. It was only when we were talking about politics, or rather she was talking about politics and i was saying 'uh-huh' repeatedly, that for some reason she started in on me -- she got annoyed with me for some reason, i guess. Maybe because i said i didn't think that Bush will be impeached, and she said, 'well you don't know anything about politics, you don't pay attention at all, you have your little cause and that is all that is in your head, and it is high time you got over that anyway'.

Okay then. I am used to this by now, so that one didn't phase me much. She went on with it...i don't really know what axe she has to grind. The woman has no idea what i do and what i do not do. Yes i am active in an online support group, and she knows that -- that is all she knows. I do try to keep the details from her, because any mention of such activities as support groups will only draw on a discussion similar to that of this morning. But this morning i was told that i spent too much time with this sort of stuff, i need to spend time on my family instead, i need to get over it, i am dwelling and it is bad. She said it is harmful to my health -- that i will get cancer and die in two years and then what will happen to the people who depend on me? 'This isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to you, you know', she said, 'worse things will happen to you'.

Isn't that a nice thing to say?

Then she got into 'Think about a mother whose 20 year old son is killed in the war, that is alot worse than what has happened to you, what about dh's grandmother, she lost alot more than YOU did' (dh's dad died from brain cancer, shortly after i met him) 'you are intelligent, you can process this, you should have empathy for people like that'. Oh and there was another thing which i think was about how it is better that Nicolas is dead, what if he had lived but had been handicapped -- or something of this sort. I did not exactly catch that very well though, C. fell down so there was too much screaming on my end. I did not bother to have her repeat it. (Incidently there was nothing whatsoever wrong with Nicolas, he was a perfect little baby -- and even if he hadn't been i would like to think i would love him anyway huh?)

You know, it took me a good week to get over LAST sunday's conversation with her. That was a result of an incident where A. was fooling around with C. and it really looked like he was going to *drop* her, so i screamed at him and grabbed C. -- unfortunately while i was on the phone with my mother. She then found it necessary to call me back and told me to tell him that it was a serious matter, that if he seriously injured or killed her, even by accident, they would put him in jail. !!!????!!!??? I can't even begin to explain the emotions such a scenario brings up in me. So as usual i just said 'uh-huh' to her. She then told me that such things did happen and i didn't know about them because i lived such an insular life and did not know anything about tragedies. And then she went on a riff about juvenile prisons. But that was last week.

So anyway...as usual there was a kernel of truth in my mother's ravings...the trick is just to extract the kernel and not let the rest of it bother you, which is something i have not been able to master yet. This particular point is illustrated by the quote which starts this entry, which is why i put it there. Which is that she said, essentially, 'you don't want to get better, you are happy being miserable'. Okay fine, in a certain way this is true. Firstly it is not true that i am miserable. I would not say i am that much more miserable than i ever was -- i have never been a *happy* person. Periodic depressions are part of my life and have been for years. But i have never really talked about this -- what is the point, when noone wants to hear it anyway. But in the spirit of the Shakespeare quote, grief is what i have of my son. It is what binds me to him, to his memory. So it is dear to me, in a certain way. And i have no desire to 'get over it', to 'forget it'. I don't even see how you could.

Her other thing which was interesting, was this Dalai Lama thing about compartmentalizing your sorrows. I am sure that apologies to the Dalai Lama are necessary for this undoubtedly horrible third-hand rendering of whatever he said on the radio last night. What my mother said to me and what i write here may very well have almost nothing in common with what he actually was talking about. But there's not alot i can do about that. What interested me was what my mother was accusing me of, which is actually true -- i do think that my sorrow for Nicolas, and my missing Nicolas, *does* underlie my life, it is down there, it is the background for everything i do. This does not mean that i walk around with tears pouring down my face or something. But it is true that the death of that child is *the* seminal, drastic event in my life. And that it is always there, under the surface but not that far under. It is *not* compartmentalized in any way -- it is under everything, it is part of who i am.

Now, for my dh, it *is* compartmentalized. It is easier for him, because of this -- and i often resent his ease. For example -- the ease with which he will say, 'two kids', without even thinking about it. Today C. wore one of A.'s old jackets for the first time -- do you think it occurred to him to think that Nicolas should have been wearing it a year and a half ago, and do you think he wondered what the boy would have looked like in it? I don't even know if he *remembered* it was A.'s old jacket until i pointed it out...

So, *should* one compartmentalize? Can a mother do so? Maybe some can -- they wouldn't be the ones reading this blog though, by definition. How would i find out? And why should i care? Overall i do not think that i am doing badly, with the whole grief thing. I walk on my journey, at my pace, and i am not displeased with that. It is only my mother who is displeased with my pace, and with the form that my journey takes.

OK, so yes it was a long day, all this writing and it is still only 9:15 am! The rest, probably, takes less time. Dh and A. got up, dh took C. to home depot to get some stuff. I sent A to our neighbor K's house with a cake (store-bought, i am not superwoman here). K had had surgery a few days ago, and needed some help with some yardwork -- there was a very old and very big rosebush in precisely the wrong place in her front yard and she needed it pulled out. She has paid A to do stuff before, which is always nice for him. So i was in my backyard planting bulbs and he was in front digging at the bush. In fact i got a lot done -- yesterday i had planted that gaura i bought, and the lillies from white flower farm (which were the tiniest little bulbs you could imagine, i am going to complain loudly if i don't get at least one flowering stem per bulb because they were *expensive*) and today i put in about 75 daffodil bulbs and 30 tulips and assorted other stuff and moved a hosta from the side and a bearded iris from the front. So i am DONE, except for 75 little crocus bulbs and some tulips that i ordered but i think i got taken for a ride, i wonder if those will *ever* come.

Did i mention that my grass came up? I am sure i must have...

Anyway, then dh came back with the baby and made lunch for everybody, and A gave up on the rosebush with about 1/3 of the job done which annoyed me. So i went to check out the situation, and he was right -- he could not have done any more without more tools than he had. So i got out the trusty pickaxe again, and went to it -- and together (and with a little help from Joe the plasterer) we finished pulling out the bush which was good fun. I recommend a pickaxe, or a crowbar, for getting rid of excess anger....K was impressed and pleased, and now she can plant flowers there when she feels better. A was very happy since she paid him too much as usual! The only one who was excessively annoyed was dh, who groused at me that i had so many things to do and i had to pick the most lowest priority thing of doing the *neighbor's* work!!! Men can be assholes...but then the baby took a nap and dh went to do *his* things that needed to be done -- masonary and shelving...and i went to do my things which needed to be done -- painting the balusters. And putting away laundry (after C was awake), and then this & that until it is now 11:30 pm. But i did manage to finish the ironing, which is a big deal for me, and various other small things. And wrote out this long long post about my mother...and now i am tired, and i should go to bed...as soon as i clean the bathroom which is absolutely the *last* thing i am going to do....

Welcome to the disaster zone

aka pictures of the inside of the house, since Julie insists....

Firstly, here is the outside of the house, to provide some context.

[photo removed]

You will note if you look carefully that there are some new block-like things in the front! These are piers for the proper front porch, that the mason and dh put in last weekend. Yes, we found a mason that showed up and did work, and only charged for an hour more of his time than he should have! Did you know that a skilled mason makes $80 an hour? More and more i wonder why my parents told me to get a PhD??? Anyway that is neither here nor there.

So, as we take the virtual tour, we walk through the front door into the main hallway. First of all note that all the moldings are off, because Joe is doing the plaster. You can see where they are going to go, though. The entrance hall is rather wide -- like 8 feet or so. There are arches on either side, for sliding pocket doors (which need to be fixed). The door you see in the back is to the kitchen. The stairway goes up on the right of the kitchen door, it is covered in plastic to protect the banister from the plaster. On either side as you walk in, there is an arch, and there are two front living rooms (parlors), one on either side. The Victorians would have a formal and a less-formal parlor.



Turning to your right, you see Joe the plasterer. He is working on the large living room. All hail Joe, the king of plaster!! Would that all my workmen were as dedicated and skilled as Joe is, this project would have been finished LONG ago. I unhestiatingly recommend this man, who works saturdays and sundays all day all the time. Rumor has it that the reason for this dedication is that he doesn't get along with his wife...but whatever the reason, the guy is a marvel....




Okay, this stuff is really hard to photograph so you get a decent picture. This is the large(east) parlor. In the picture you can see the bay window area -- Joe has just white coated the ceiling and top of the walls. See the beautiful curved walls he made?

The second picture is taken from me standing in the corner of the bay window and facing toward the interior of the house. I took this just so you can see how the arch of the pocket doors looks.

















If we go through that arch and through the hallway we will enter the smaller (west) parlor. The plaster here is done! This room has two sets of pocket doors -- the ones to the hallway and the ones to the dining room. Basically if you look at the floor plan, the big room on the right is now two rooms on the left -- the smaller parlor and the dining room behind it, with pocket doors inbetween. I was unable to get a decent picture of this...but i did take this one which shows you the two windows (front of the house) and the fireplace (covered in plastic sorry!). Actually this fireplace is really neat. There are 2 fireplaces on the first floor and they are actually made of slate, but this one has the original paint on it. It was painted to look like marble, and it *really* looks like marble -- it is beautifully done. I will post a picture after the plaster is dry and the fireplace is uncovered, it is something to see.

The dining room currently has a huge pile of stuff stacked in it, including our 8-burner Thermador range which will be installed in the kitchen. The range has a good story behind it but i will save that for another time. Suffice for now to say that we paid nowhere near the 10K or whatever such a monster costs new... Anyway here is the huge pile of stuff in the dining room. It has wooden panelling all around it like this:


which will look nice once it is all cleaned up and the top molding pieces are put back. I am not going to bother with pictures of the kitchen and butler's pantry -- really you cannot see anything at ALL because both rooms are piled high with the red oak flooring that will be replacing the flooring on the first floor that is shot to hell.

Okay, going up the stairs, we enter the second floor. Here is a picture of the banister & balustrade -- i love those little butterflies.



Basically the floor plan is the same on all three floors -- main hallway, 1 big room on one side, two rooms on the other side. On the second floor the space that is the kitchen makes an additional bedroom and a bathroom, and at the front of the house there is another bathroom. So there are two bathrooms on the second floor. One will have a shower stall, the second a clawfoot tub (that came with the house). There is not much to see as of yet...the plaster is all done on the second floor. I will post a few pics....

This is one bedroom, which i guess was the original master bedroom because it is the only one with a fireplace. This fireplace is unfortunately no longer faux marbled -- it is instead painted puke green. It will *remain* puke green until i learn how to paint properly and restore it to it's original faux marbled state. Or i give in and pay somebody else to do just that...

This is another bedroom, which you see is not only plastered, it is primed! Unfortunately Randy tinted the primer Pepto-Bismol pink... i would love to post pics of the bathrooms but they are just empty rooms, nothing is done...

Then there is the third floor, where we are currently living. I was going to photograph that too, for completeness. But it was/is a complete MESS so i did not.

[photo removed]

Here is a picture of the back of the house, which (like all of the house) needs some TLC. The stairway/porch up to the third floor is something we have built. It needs to be painted to appropriate colors. I am currently painting those balusters -- they are white(primer) but i am painting them yellow. From the top down...there are like 150 of them so it is taking me some time.

Finally, after taking all these pictures i was walking back in to the house and i noticed a dragonfly flying around me. I have *never* seen a dragonfly around our house before. He kindly landed on one of the front porch piers and allowed me to take his picture for Julie....so i hope you can see him...

'whirling butterflies' for PAILRD

Well, i am glad i did not write a freaking *book* before this dumb thing ate my post....

Okay i am not going to go into it again, it was a lousy day but i have had worse. It is in fact Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and yes my candles are lit, fat lot of good it does. Sorry i am in a snit...

A few nice things happened today though, one is that i finally did get the white gaura which is pictured here. I do love this plant because the flowers really do look like little butterflies. In fact this cultivar is even called 'whirling butterflies' and i bought it today, even though i had not been intending to go to the garden center but it turned out i did. I will plant this with some asiatic lillies around, they are called 'white butterflies' actually so i hope that it will be pretty.

AND my dh fixed my laptop!! Yaaaay!!

Blaaaaaah

So, since today is October 14, and tomorrow is October 15th and i don't teach that day, i decided to be an activist and wear my PAILRD t-shirt. I figured my students would ask about it, and i could then talk about Nicolas and kind of 'clear the air' there, at least in my own mind. Because though i do *have* two kids, i *had* three kids, and i consider myself mom to all three. And i don't like the feeling that that is a secret.

But then when i got to class, one girl S. was complaining *very* volubly about someone giving TMI. I don't know if it was a teacher or not, because i WAS trying not to listen in on a personal conversation (even carried out at very loud decibels) but apparently this lady was telling all about her battle with anorexia and whatnot. And S. is like, "do we CARE? I mean it is just TOO MUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION, i mean she's gotta be 40, she should know better...." Well okay then let me be the first to tell you about my dead baby after hearing *that*. And in fact the only person who questioned my shirt/awareness bracelet etc. was sitting right next to S, so i did not elaborate, because i could not handle it. J. just asked if my bracelet was also 'remembering our babies' and i said yes it was, that i was all decked out in my awareness gear today. Okay so it was a stupid thing for me to say, but i just could not DEAL, after hearing S's little rant. So now i am sure, they all just assume i have had a miscarriage and can't "get over it". And i have lost the chance to clear the air and share about Nicolas, because i could not deal. Which *sucks*.

I told some guy in Starbucks about him though, he asked also about the t-shirt. So that is something.

Oh, and our secretary T. had her baby this morning! A little girl, safe and sound, 6 lbs 6 oz. I am very happy and relieved for her. She had no problems with her pg or anything, but then again, i never did either. And then later thought for myself too, that i can have the appropriate reaction again to the news of a baby's birth, even if i am having not so good a day/ week myself. I hate that green-eyed monster reaction and it has taken awhile to subside but it has. I still have it on occasion, and always i cannot *stand* the fluffy bunny mommy pg talk... but it was nice to realize, later, that i was genuinely happy for T. and that it came from the heart.

More wallowing

Wallow wallow wallow...

Okay, maybe Tina is right, maybe it is the upcoming holiday hell that is getting me down. But it is totally TOO MUCH for me to be like this. I had to get up at 4 am to finish that grading and it is STILL NOT DONE...i had 3 or 4 hours of sleep, in 1-hour increments at best. Some asshole's car alarm kept going OFF and OFF, about every 40 minutes, and then the compressor would start up, and then C. would be awakened by all the noise and start screaming...

What i noticed today is that the real difference lately is an inability to separate myself from the dead baby stuff. Usually i can check email/blogs, read my support group, possibly respond, and then shut it off and do my work. Even if not right away, i can manage to do it. But now, the minute i read the support group emails the whole day is shot to hell, work-wise. I cannot pull my mind away from it, i have no mental discipline. That's the real problem.

So maybe i should take a hiatus...not from the blogging or the IM but from the support groups/message boards. Well, at least i should wait until after October 15th but after that, i am going to cut it out for awhile, see what happens. Maybe it is just all too much for me right now? Sometimes, that happens...

Big doings in the backyard

Well, there is straw on the ground so you can guess that i finally managed to sow the grass, yippie. In fact on Sunday, dh and the mil took the kiddos and i spent all day back there getting it done. I had borrowed the neighbor's tiller-thing, but i could not get it started, so i turned over all the soil with a pickaxe instead. The old-fashioned way, indeed. Today i feel totally wrecked. But the grass is in...late, i know, but i hope the weather will hold out a little more....

The second picture is of the garage -- on Saturday when we were at the walk, our workmen demo'd it as much as they could have. So they got it mostly done, the ugly rusty doors are gone. Believe me it is an improvement. I will have to deal with it -- putting something over the empty bays so it is not so ugly -- but that will have to be next spring.

The third picture, just to amuse you, is the pile of the slabs of rock that were half-buried in the yard when we bought the place. Now they are piled in the garage, it seems a shame to throw them away but who knows what to do with them!? Old curbstones, i figure...but why you would want to use them to edge your flowerbeds is beyond me. Which is what i think had been the idea behind half-burying them in the yard...

You would think i would feel better, for having the grass done, because that has been weighing on me. But i don't feel better...in fact i have totally been wallowing in grief and self-pity all day. Spent all day lurking on the newsgroups/message boards/ blogs, with this *huge* pile of work staring at me. It wouldn't be so bad if it just was happening now & again but i have been wallowing alot lately and it is really starting to be bad....i need a good swift kick in the butt....

A walk to remember

So, today was the walk to remember at S.'s hospital. Okay, the hospital where S. had her daughter. She invited us there and we went -- i don't have anywhere to go like that, since Nicolas was born in France. So they very kindly put him on the program for their walk and read out his name. We got a blue balloon, a picture, a little tag with his name to put on the memory tree in the hospital memory garden. It was very sweet. I hate these events, but i am glad i went anyway.

Dh wants to go out, since his mother is here and will sit the kids. I would much rather sleep but i suppose i should take advantage of it and go out...

Imagine

So, John Lennon's 'Imagine' is running through my head. All my life i loved this song, it's that latent hippie in me.

On Friday, March 21st, 2003, Bush was readying to invade Iraq. We all knew it was coming in the next few days. In France, i am sure you know, this was a very unpopular move and of course the talk of the town. I was in Paris by myself -- my dh had gone to the south of france for a conference and Alexander was at camp with his schoolmates. I was really enjoying my time alone -- getting caught up with things, as i was completely behind as usual. That Friday, i blew off work and went shopping instead. It was the mini-sale season. I was looking for a birthday gift for dh (March 21 is his b-day) and i did get him a sweater that day. I also finally bought a few things for Nicolas -- an outfit, some toys, buttons for the sweater i had made. I must admit the sweater was not exactly made for *Nicolas*, it was made for my newphew L. who had been born 2 years earlier, and not finished in time. In the end i never made anything for Nicolas except a little hat for his funeral. I almost bought yarn for another sweater that day, but yarn is hysterically expensive in Paris and i had not been having a good track record of actually doing any knitting, so i desisted. I also did not buy the totally beautiful cradle from Bon Marche, because we didn't *need* it but mostly because it cost 600 Euros...i had a good time shopping -- i bought something for everyone, i had a dessert at Ladure in Printemps, i relaxed. Then i had dinner at my friend's apartment.

During this dinner, of course J. and his wife and i talked about the shopping and the baby. J's wife asked, can i feel him move yet? Well of course i could, i was 34 weeks pregnant, 8 1/2 months. It just went to show me how little people know about fetal development in general. (J's wife is young and has not yet been pregnant) . When she said that, i answered but noticed that he had not moved during dinner. Which was unusual for him, he was usually kicking up a ruckus in there the moment i sat down. But right then he gave me a good big reassuring kick and so i thought nothing of it.

On the way home on the metro, there was some guy with a guitar, singing John Lennon's Imagine, right across from me. He was singing it badly, that is true. I didn't think he was one of those people who make a living playing music on the metro, i think he was just doing a little anti-war protest of his own. It made me sad, to think of all the lives that were going to be lost, the war that was going to start soon. I think he even moved me to a little tear or two.

Well, there i was, tearing up about the political situation, and my baby died the next day. I didn't even know he had died, that Saturday, i thought he was just being quiet that evening or something. (I believe he died during the day, around 2 pm, when i was cleaning up under our bed to make room for his stuff). Sunday when i went to the hospital he was gone already.

I don't know why i am blabbing on about this, it is just the song and the guy singing it on the metro, which is such a strong memory and one which coincides with probably the last chance for Nicolas. Imagine if he had not kicked me at that moment after dinner, would i have gone to the hospital? Probably not, i honestly did not know such things happened, that a baby you were carrying at near-term just up and died. I didn't even think about it. But that was the time, that was the possibility, *that* is the lost opportunity. Don't get off at Denfert-Rochereau and walk home -- change to line B and one more stop puts you at the hospital. That is the cross-roads of my life.

Blast it

My laptop is on the fritz. So who knows? I will try to get it fixed...annoying. I had some more pretty pictures to post, too.

a rose, and an update

Here is 'Summer Fashion', open for the first time to greet me when i got home. A beautiful turn to a rather ugly day.

So, when i walked home the people with the signs were gone. I don't know if it had anything to do with my phone call, but i imagine so. Also, i bit the bullet and did what i have been meaning to do for years, which is called one of those crisis pg centers and volunteered to become a counselor. I have heard differing stories of these places -- that they put you down and tell you that you are immoral and show you pictures of dead, aborted babies...or that they are compassionate and helpful and give you lots of free stuff. So i gather it is a question of finding a decent one? I figured i could probably be a good counselor to someone who finds themselves unexpectedly knocked up, since i have been there myself, unless it is just too difficult after the loss of Nicolas. But i *really* don't have time, so i have been putting it off. So, they have counselor training on the 24th and 25th, i will go, and we will see. I'm not promising anything to anyone.

The lady i talked to actually was very nice though -- we ended up talking about the 'God's plan' thing. I had said i didn't subscribe to the idea that 'God has a plan', that i had heard this after Nicolas died and it seemed like rote B.S. to me. She had some good points about it though, and was very compassionate when it came to Nicolas' death, so i really felt rather okay about the place. After talking to her i felt better enough to go and teach my second class, rather than canceling it and going home to hide in my bed (which is where i was after that encounter this morning).

like i NEED this

Okay, so i am going to class this morning and i was handed a tract by a 13 year old boy. It said something like 'what organization murders people with your tax money?' Why, the US Army of course, i think (apologies to you military folks, of course it is not true and war is very different than murder! But that is what popped to mind). But i was wrong, it was not an anti-war thing, it was an anti-abortion thing. Okay, then. But by the time i got back from class they were in full swing, with LARGE signs of dead babies that had been aborted. You know the pictures i mean, the second trimester D&E, blown up to much-larger-than-life. And as i walk by some guy who yells at me (well, at the general crowd, but of course at me) 'You KILL your babies!' Well, yes, apparently i DO, because my son is dead and as his mother it was my responsibility to keep him alive. Perhaps if i had been paying better attention to his movements, he would be alive.

Whatever your position on abortion, it is awful to show those pictures, to use those poor babies in that way. I am very truly sorry that they are dead, and that their mother was in such a situation (whatever it might have been) that she chose to terminate. I do not believe it is right to use their images to shock and wound, the pour souls. I also DO know that a large number (i do not know the statistic) of these late-term abortions are done because of fetal abnormalities of various kinds. As such, i do not judge the actions of others, and am only glad that i have been spared this particular pain. In addition, i HAVE been faced with an unexpected pregnancy, so i know firsthand much of the pressure that a young girl faces when she is in this position. So i ask -- why all the hate? Why not just *help* people who find themselves faced with this particular hurdle?

Okay, so i got back to the office, made a few calls in order to get rid of these people, well, to get rid of their signs anyway. I don't care what they say and what they pass out but they should not be displaying such signs. They need a permit for that, and it looks like (surprise) they don't have one. Not sure yet, the lady is going to call me back on it.

So, see, i get to play the crusader again. Yee haw. All i really want is to be left alone to put in my fucking lawn. Which is STILL not done.

surreal

From a book found in the neighbor's garage:

"I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Don't throw away an old-fashioned meat grinder! Combined with an old cheese board and an empty apple basket, it makes an unusual lamp."

I wish i had a working scanner so i could post a picture of this thing for you....

I am sorry

I know that i am new at this & that Laura and Justin don't actually know who i am, but i just wanted to write here also that i am so sorry that Laura lost the tadpole...my dh thinks it is bizarre to get wrapped up in the lives of strangers, but honestly if we become wrapped up in them, those people are no longer exactly strangers....i have not been reading Lauralu's blog for very long -- Julie pointed me to it a long while ago but i did not keep up until recently when i started my own. So i am starting to blabber on, so i will stop....