A sign that spring is truly here -- the first daffodils opened today! This is Narcissus 'Little Gem', and they weren't kidding about the 'little' part. They are 3 inches high! I have never seen such tiny ones. The catalog shows them blooming profusely with grape hyacinths, and i planted them as such...but see no grape hyacinths anywhere close to blooming.
I am taking spinning lessons and this is the roving i bought to practice on. It is nice to play with something pretty, but mostly what i am learning is that i totally suck at spinning. Practice, practice, practice. It's not fun, though. I don't anticipate knitting anything out of my own homespun for a long time...or, maybe, not ever. Heck, a person can't be good at everything, right?
One of the things i really like about blogging is that when you write down (at least some of) those cute things the kids do, you can go back later and read them -- because i do forget, i forget everything. For example there are huge piles of work on my desk right now that i am conveniently forgetting about. Moving on...
Anyway, a recent post of Beruriah's reminded me that i haven't actually posted any cute kid stories recently. So here's one...more of a saga than a story, really.
A few weeks ago, my mother wanted to go to the big big outlet mall. So we went -- she and i and M & T. They are almost 3 now, and they get very restless in the stroller, so i thought, ok, why not take them on their leashes instead?
(yes, i still keep them on leashes. The leashes are cute, they look like this and honestly, once you've have a toddler run into the street while you are running after the other who is running in the other direction....freaking forget it. Leashes it is. I never used them with my singletons but twins are a different ballgame. They like them, anyway, we call them 'backpacks', heh heh.)
This was rather a mistake. Actually it was just fine for most of the time, except when they were getting tangled up in the clothes racks and screaming and whatnot. They do love to walk. They walked all the way down the length of the mall to the food court (it's nearly half a mile!) and played well in the play area and went on the merry-go-round and saw the big fish in the big tank at the sporting goods store and even got to feed them. A great time was had by all. But then, we had to walk BACK to the car, that half-mile back and it was already two hours past nap time. It was going to be a long walk. I just can't carry both of them very far anymore because they are more than 30 lbs each. My mom had a huge pile of packages she was toting, so she couldn't carry one either.
They were walking along like troopers, when we passed a deserted mall kiosk that was advertising insurance. Car insurance. Allstate. And HOW do you suppose these kind, wonderful people at Allstate were advertising their car insurance? With TOY CARS, of course. Beautiful, shiny die-cast metal toy cars in a locked display case at precisely toddler eye level.
Oh, that's a great idea.
So there we had a massive meltdown, with me continually repeating (to the delight of many onlookers) "But we can't buy these cars! These people aren't selling cars! They are trying to sell you CAR INSURANCE" while the two-year old boys run around me, wrapped in their leashes, screaming for the cars and trying to break into the display case.
Thanks, Allstate.
So finally M calmed down enough to walk, and i had to drag T screaming away. T quickly got tired of being held and taken away, and tired of struggling with me, so he looked at me and SLAPPED me full force. (to the delight of many onlookers, of course. Who were just on the edge of their seats, waiting to see if i slapped him back. I swear, i am a walking reality show.)
Anyway, we managed to find a place to sit, have a little talk, have some drinks that were left over, and get it together to walk back to the car. It really wasn't that far at this point. I gave them their cups, and they trudged along, holding them tight. We finally came to the first store, the one where we left our car, and were going to walk through it to the exit on the other side.
When T recognized the store, he looked at the floor and said "Squares. I lay down squares."
And he did, he laid down on the tile floor and refused to move any further.
"Go on, get up, it's not much further," i said. "Look at M, he is still going, he is so strong."
"No." said T.
I picked him up.
"Ya", said M. "I strong. I so strong. I sad, but I strong."
And he walked to the car.
You would expect me to be sad with Nicolas' birthday coming up, and thinking of the babies' birthdays who have just passed -- Thomas and Emma and several others who no longer read here -- March is a month full of birthdays and death days, it seems. But today i am also sad because an internet friend, Christa, has died suddenly in a horrific car accident, leaving behind her loving husband and two six-year old boys. Kerrie and Karin have already written a lot, and in fact i did not know Christa that well. Or, i would say, she did not know me that well, since i have never participated that much at MISS. At least, i have never posted that much, though i have spent countless hours reading the boards there and it helped me so much through the darkest hours of my grief. I knew her from her posts, and we were of the same cohort -- she lost her twin girls Alexa and Caitlynn a few months before i lost Nicolas. She was always so kind, and funny, and supportive of everyone. I am just so sad for her family, for her two little boys.
Denise sent me this beautiful little dolly in the mail! It was such a surprise! Thank you!
I let C. open the package and she was very taken by the fact that the doll is stuffed with lavender and smells very lovely. She asked all kinds of questions -- what is lavender, where did Denise get it, how did she get it in the doll, why is there a butterfly on the back? "I assume the butterfly is for Nicolas," i said. "Denise also had a baby who died, her name is Emma. Her birthday is near Nicolas' birthday."
"Her baby died? Like Nicolas? Why did she die?"
"For the same reason, which is no reason. We don't know why. Sometimes it just happens."
"Some times. But not all the time."
"Yes, thank God, not all the time."
Of course in the end she wanted the doll for herself. "Well, actually," i said, "it's for me, but i'm happy to let you share it. You can keep it in your room tonight, and i will keep it in my room tomorrow night."
"How about", said C., "I will keep it for FOUR nights, and then YOU can keep it for four nights."
"Okay, that sounds good."
I picked some crocuses for the picture, and they look very sweet on C's vanity too. Perhaps i should also put a vase of flowers in my own room, eh?
I was very proud when i finished my first Clessidra sock, but even so there was no denying that there was one small problem.
The heel flap was way too big.
Way, WAY too big, as you can see here. Using seed stitch on a heel flap isn't a good idea...well, it wasn't MY idea, i was following a pattern & hoping it would do. Well, it didn't do, at least not for me; so i cut it out.
Really, i snipped carefully, and figured i would unravel it, pick up the side stitches, and reknit the flap with the cable pattern. The 'unravel it' part was harder than i thought.
See, apparently when you pick up the stitches on the side of the heel flaps, you twist them...so they don't just unravel. I had to thread the long end of the yarn all the way through the little loops at the end. When i realized i would have to do this, i considering brutally cutting out the heel with my scissors, but i couldn't do it.
Which was a total error, because it took me three hours to unravel it. Three HOURS during which i could not MOVE because i would then end up with an ungodly knot from hell. ARGH, it makes me tense just thinking about it again.
But i did it. Then i continued the cable through down the flap, turned the heel, and kitchenered the whole damn thing back together.
For me, that's a good kitchener. Usually they look like total crap when i do it, this is not actually that bad by my standards.
Now, if i only had the second sock done, i could actually wear the buggers.
The boys are absolutely amazed by all the bees.
Here's a rather fun article about bees in the city. I would love to keep bees but one of our close neighbors is severely allergic so i think that would cause some neighborhood-cohesion problems. Plus, where would i put them?
"That's a crocus? I've never seen such a small crocus!"said my mom. "Is it......Victorian?"
"Uh, yes."
"Wow! I have to call Magda and tell her about this right away!"
I think if you click on the pic you can get a big version. It's surprisingly sharp, for once.
There are an amazing number of bees this year. That is certainly good news!
So, for one thing, i weaned myself off those anti-depressants. I guess the week before your dead kid's birthday is not the ideal time to take yourself off AD's, but you know, that one (Cel.exa) was totally not working for me anyway. That is to say, yes my mood was a bit lighter but by the time it hit 'full strength' i was sleeping like 10-11 hours a night. Seriously i was falling asleep in my clothes, before the kids, every single night. Not to mention other issues...so, ya, forget it. I am actually feeling significantly better now that i am off of it.
So much for pharmacology.
Of course that might be the weather, too. Spring has totally sprung here, which is amazing. I am waiting for the next snowstorm, of course, but we have been having the most beautiful weather lately. The weekend was damp & rainy, true, but that only encouraged a whole host of little sproutlets in my garden. I have lots of pictures, but they are on the camera....hopefully i can get them off tonight.
You know, this year i am wholeheartedly ignoring the whole 'March 25th is Nicolas' birthday' thing, and that seems to be totally working for me. I am thinking a lot about knitting instead. I am trying to finish up my cabled socks (i had to take apart the heel of the first sock & redo it, which was a serious undertaking -- i have pictures) and i am in the middle of a stranded colorwork hat for C. I absolutely despise colorwork but i am realizing that mostly that's because i suck at it, so taking the time to learn how to do it better is only a good thing. I am looking forward to spinning; i bought the prettiest rovings this weekend. I have pictures. (Check it out, i used a semicolon!) The Yarn Harlot was in town, giving a talk at the public library, so mom & i went; it was lots of fun and they even had a little marketplace beforehand. (OK, enough with the semicolons already) I had no idea French Press Knits was from near here, for example. I absolutely intend to make these felted slippers, honestly i do.
Well, anyway, back to the psychologist/psychiatrist/AD issue....i still have no solution. I have decided to dump my therapist. He certainly did help me with some things -- for example, some strategies for dealing with day-to-day situations with my mother, and he encouraged me to stop drinking too much. But now....i saw him in the beginning of March, and i didn't make another appointment until April....because i felt like i couldn't deal with talking to him at all through the month of March. That tells you right there...just forget it. I don't know where it puts me with a strategy for next year, though. This year was better than last year, but still i was fairly nonfunctional through most of Jan/Feb. I guess i will have to think on that.
Today i am thinking of Kristin and her family as it is Thomas's 5th birthday, and her dad is in the hospital.
Random Acts of Kindness, in memory of Thomas:
-donation to the homeless shelter (cash & clothes)
-C. and i are going to bake cookies for the firemen, and take them to the fire station. Not today, though, we will do that this weekend.
-i let one of my students put off taking his makeup test. Well, that wasn't entirely random, but i'm thinking it was probably kind.
-finally finishing up my knitting for the Schuyler Blanket Project
I actually have no new pictures, and nothing to say. Why am i posting? Because i should be doing my taxes and i am procrastinating. After posting this i am thinking of going downstairs and hitting the girl scout cookies for a bit...so much for the diet. Hum.
I was thinking that if i got some important stuff done, i would feel like i was in control of things for a change. So i SHOULD be doing that important stuff, not sitting her procrastinating, or dreaming of cookies.
Okay, okay, i will get to the work i should be doing. Blah.
Yum, cookies.
I bounded up the stairs like a five-year old ---"MOOOOOOMMMMM! There are CROCUSES!"
See what two days of slightly-warmer-than-freezing temperatures will do? (granted, they aren't actually open yet, and it is supposed to snow again....still....)
I don't know. I'm more functional than i was, so i guess the anti-depressants have kicked in and i'm better. I'm still pretty stupid. I'm also experiencing some side effects that are not great. I am planning still on giving it a few weeks before i start to really complain.
I have more pictures but haven't had the chance to upload them. I did clean the house, though.
Our car broke down utterly & completely, we are donating it to charity & now i have to go find another one to buy. That is a chore i don't feel like handling this month.
It's March. Blah. At least it is a little warmer, and some of the snow is starting to melt. That's the only positive thing i have to say about that.
