pictures i have been meaning to post

Well, i really *had* been being good about the diet thing. No alcohol, no snacks, healthy food only. But i suppose i simply do not have the willpower to behave well on thursdays -- the day i am home with mom (and the twins, but they are not a problem. The problem is mom, and in all fairness it's also me, who can not handle any of this shit anymore).

So today i had some jelly beans, and could not resist the Krispy Kreme doughnuts -- T said, so beautifully: 'Dough-nu! I wike it dough-nu!'....and after all that cheating, why bother to resist the red wine, right? Though i suppose that 3 glasses in 45 minutes, before the boys are *even in bed* is kind of pushing it...

Right.

Without further ado, here are some pictures of the backyard -- garage and landscaping -- back from October-ish 2009...when we put in all the new landscaping.

Before:



After:

As you walk to the back of the house
you see the big flower bed (which is where the vegetable garden used to be) and dh's curved brick path
IF all the roses live, as you walk along this path there will be roses on the left (where the rose garden used to be) and roses to the right (where the new bed curves out)
This is the view from the new patio

and this is the view from the side of the garage looking at the back of the house -- you can see the new concrete patio. It extends fully across the back of the whole house. This was a major point of contention...but in the end the dh insisted, and now that it is done i think he is correct. Lots of patio space = table + lots of chairs = lots of space for barbecues & the like.

Mind you we still have no patio furniture, but i suspect that will change come spring.

I pulled out all the daylilies from the old daylily bed, and split all the clumps into anywhere from 2-4 smaller bits. I also split/moved the peonies and the irises, and moved some other perennials that were in the old bed. I basically spent a whole day at it, it was a lot of work.

I planted 1000-odd bulbs in fall 2009, that is if you count the 300 crocuses that i planted throughout the fancy new lawn as well as all the others. You would be surprised how FEW that actually is...but, things multiply over the years, right? Or die off, i suppose. Or, i will add more next fall.

So, the upshot is this -- the back beds will look OK (if the roses live) but will be sparse until things grow in. The front beds are still a work in progress -- there are spring bulbs but nothing else. So we will see.

pregnancy math

My friend S. and i met at the mall yesterday, when we both should have been working instead. S. found a brand of jeans that actually fits & looks good -- i bought two pairs, a size 8 for now and a size 6 to aspire to. As the lady was ringing me up, we had the inevitable conversation:

salesgirl: How many kids do you have?
me: four.
salesgirl: Wow! I wanted 4 but now i don't think i am going to make it.
me: well, i cheated and got the last two at once.
salesgirl: Twins! That's great, so you only had to have three pregnancies!
me: stares silently, thinking "just ring up the damn jeans, lady..."

When we walked away & i told this story to S. (who had been looking at some shirts in the meantime), S. said 'well, i guess that IS how pregnancy math works for some people.'

tired

I'm tired today & i don't have much time but i suppose i ought to update somehow, somewhere. There was some snafu with my insurance so i don't have a follow-up appt yet with the shrink, or with my therapist either. I am not sure i really care, though i suppose i ought to attempt to call them & fix it up.

We had a nice weekend, very social. My neighbors even took my mom out to the auto show so that was great -- she got out and i didn't have to do it.

I don't know. I really enjoyed not being unhappy and morose, when i was on the Wellbutrin, but of course i can't be taking something i am allergic to, right? It was nice to feel hope, rather than despair. But what does that mean, that you can take a pill & suddenly your outlook is so different? (well, not exactly suddenly, but over a few days, anyway). It means the hope is an illusion, and so is the despair. It's all nothing but some chemicals in the head, turning on one set of neurotransmitters or the others. Well, THAT'S depressing.

Yes, technically i knew that, having experienced such a thing before. But in this context again i find it quite disturbing.

On the other hand i am doing OK with my diet-and-no-alcohol-except-for-on-occasion plan, antidepressants or not. Today in class i made the students laugh with my descriptions...."Well, we revolve this curve around the axis, but the resulting solid doesn't look like a doughnut this time...more like a bundt cake....uh yeah, can you tell i'm on a diet?"

mmmmmmn cake....sigh.

(oh, and the girl does not appear to have a UTI. )

well, MORE crap

Supposedly he shrink is in Thailand & can't give me any advice. 'Call your pcp and stop taking the meds', said the receptionist. Ya THINK?

I called C's pediatrics office to get advice on her, because last night before bedtime she was complaining it hurt when she peed so i am afraid she has a UTI. This morning, no complaints, and i sent her to school. After asking all this information from me the lady's like 'i'm sorry, it's against our policy to give advice when the child is not with you. Call back when she gets out of school.' Which, frankly, is irrelevant because there is zero likelihood of getting a doctor's appointment anyway, unless you schedule 6 months in advance. That is why my kids get most of their care from the urgent care clinic. Why do we have a doctor like this? I can't quite explain it. Actually i can -- she is very good (when you do see her) and she is a personal aquaintance, if not exactly a friend. She did give me her pager number & said 'page me anytime' though i of course have it at home & i try not to abuse this anyway. I can call the office, ask for her personal secretary, explain who i am, and then i can get her to call me back. But why should i HAVE to do it this way? Why can't i just get a doctor's appointment, or even a nurse to talk to me about a kid who might be sick? WTF?

(yeah, i could switch back to my old peds, but that, uh, didn't go so well. Seems an available doctor = an incompetent doctor, around here anyway. But this is WRONG.)

And yeah, i'm not whining, now i'm just plain bitching. I'm pissed off. I'm hungry. And my eyes are STILL puffy, goddamn it. Somebody get me something deep-fried and dipped in chocolate!

well, CRAP

So, the shrink prescribed me Well*but*rin, which i took. And i was very happy with that! I felt better immediately -- that is placebo effect i am sure, but i don't mind. No more chorus of 'i want to die' playing in my head, very nice. Also i almost immediately did NOT feel the constant need to eat a giant bag of potato chips and wash it down with a bottle of red wine. In fact, the stuff has a lovely appetite suppressant effect. Where has this been all my life, i wondered, why was i so resistant? Well*but*rin, you are my new best friend...size 6 jeans here i come!

Until last night, when my eyes started to itch & then swelled up.

Typical, right? I find something that helps and i turn out to be *allergic* to it.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!

To be fair, i don't know that it is the drug...i was on it for 4 days before the puffy eyes started. I never had this puffy eye/allergy issue until in the fall i got the H1N1 vaccine in nasal spray form, and this happened with the damned eyes. Since then i have seen the redness come back sporadically, for no particular reason...so it may just be random, not the AD's. But i didn't have the swelling ever, except the first time in reaction to the H1N1 vaccine and now this.

I have no idea, i have to call the dr, i didn't take my dose this morning but my eyes are still puffy though not as bad as they were. I guess i should probably get allergy testing but that in itself seems to be a huge hurdle right now -- i would have to go to the doctor TWICE (once for the referral to my PCP and once for the actual testing) and i totally can't handle that. Why, i do not know...it should be routine. Oy. BLAH. Crap.

I have more to write, maybe i will try to do that this weekend.

going back today

Well, my plane leaves soon, i should be packing. I had a nice time, overall, sort of. I am not going to whine here about any odd/unpleasant/upsetting/sad things that might have happened. Well, maybe i will a little bit later. But i have to resolve not to whine so much, i don't like it when i whine. It speaks to not having character, like that whole being depressed thing. Riiiiiight. (yeah, someone else, not my husband, essentially told me this on this trip...though he was referring to another person, not me. Fine. I don't have strong character, then, either. But i am guessing the person who said this believes this already.)

Anyway, seeing as my new resolve is then to be a PERSON OF STRONG CHARACTER (whatever the fuck THAT means), i am no longer going to whine here. I will stop whining. And i will stop drinking, and i will lose weight, and i will keep up with my work, and i will change my life. Mark my words, you heard it here first. And i will go on antidepressants to help me...because people who recognize that they need help yet refuse to get it are not 'people of strong character', they are idiots.

Stay stable, y'all.

away

I am in San Francisco for a few days for a conference. I have a nice hotel room & am trying to take it easy...at least i can sleep without interruption! I will also spend some time with my best friend from high school, who i haven't seen in more than 10 years.

Seeing as the last January conf i went to was a key trigger to last winter's depression, i am not 100% happy to be here. Seriously, thinking i should have stayed home in bed. But it doesn't have to be that way this year, does it? I'm trying to think positive & enjoy my time alone.

Oh gee that helps

Popular Drugs May Help Only Severe Depression

and then there is this rebuttal article by a psychiatrist, Before You Quit Antidepressants ... which points out some weaknesses in meta-studies and makes some other points about controlling for placebo effect etc. But honestly i have read the thing three times and still don't understand what he saying about the placebo effect so maybe i am just totally stupid today.

Anyway, i am still not on AD's, but my appointment is next week. I still haven't made a decision on whether i will take the pills or not. I love how the commenters on the 2nd link are all like 'you just have to exercise & sleep right'. Sure, there's some truth to that. If i slept right, didn't drink, exercised, ate well, took vitamins, meditated, and was able to get my work done i would probably be less depressed. That is, in fact, ENTIRELY my husband's viewpoint on the whole matter.

But then, if i was able to do those things, maybe i wouldn't need antidepressants.

No, i'm not in a major/severe depression. I can get out of bed, i can go to work (not that i do much there), i don't have serious suicidal thoughts. There have been times in the past semester that i have missed work because i was "sick" which was really not sick at all but just too overwhelmed to deal with things, but even on those days i got out of bed & ferried the kids around. It didn't happen very often though, not so much that anyone would really notice. Anyway all that says is that like last winter, i am not functioning at a decent level..certainly not at a level where i can honestly say i would 'go to the gym' and 'sleep regularly', har de har har.

I guess i am done whining now. Temporarily, anyway.

gardening in winter

Who knew the wheelbarrow was a snow toy!

Check it out!

An article in the NY Times about my neighborhood!

Detroit Entrepreneurs Opt to Look Up

I have to say this is pretty cool -- encompassing the store where i buy overpriced stuff i don't need and locally-made baby gifts (Bureau) and the hair/nail salon Curl up & Dye...when C. saw the pic of their sign on the Times web site, she said 'Hey, I go there! Grandma took me there! It's fun, they have suckers!'

Much much better than the last time that i saw an article about my neighborhood in the NY Times, jeez.

blah blah blah

I have a bunch of pictures that i want to upload here, to show off the garage reno/garden stuff we did in Sept/Oct. I was hoping to do that tonight but i think tonight is not the night. Tonight is a good night to go hide in my bed as early as possible.

Yes, i am well deep into the usual winter doldrums, even though i can occasionally muster a cheery facebook update. I just got myself one of those Happylite things to combat the winter depression, though i haven't been using it enough to say if there is any difference. I have been seeing a therapist since September & he is largely useless though that is not his fault, exactly. He was somewhat helpful in the beginning with suggestions about the mother/family relationships & he did get me to stop drinking to excess every night, so that was positive. But i only see him every 2 weeks & i have gotten to the point where i can't really engage or share anything useful/difficult with him. Or with anyone, really. I'm sort of to the point of not being able to help myself not be miserable, even though honestly i don't have anything to be miserable about.

So, yeah. I have an appointment in 2 weeks with a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants, which i am still not sure about though i am seriously leaning toward it. This is a stupid way that i am living. Of course my husband is very against antidepressants so i will probably not even tell him if i do go on them. That's kind of pathetic. But hell, if he bothered to read my blog, i guess he might know.

Happy New Year

Well, i think it may be time for me to get back to this blog. So here i am, at least for a short post anyway. We will see if i can keep it up.

2009 was a crappy year, though not as bad as it could have been. Here's hoping 2010 is going to be better.