I swear, you can't leave a doll like Abee alone for a minute. It was so quiet...and look what he was doing. He took off all his clothes, got into the magic markers, and drew all over himself!
Of course after that he had to have a bath
[photo removed]
and be hung up ever-so-gracefully to dry.
He seemed to enjoy himself though!
Ok, so today i put C down for her nap, and she went down with little fuss and it was very quiet immediately. I tidied up and sat down to check my email and blah blah and after a good 45 minutes i hear this very strident 'Mommy! Mommy!' coming from her. Huh, short nap, i thought. But she seemed very bouncy and good-natured when i went to get her out of the crib. Dd you have a nice nap? i asked her. YEESSS! She laughed and jumped, so i figured that maybe a short nap but it was a good one.
Heh. Later when we were going to get A, she fell asleep in the car,and slept for nearly hours after i transferred her to her bed. Not possible, if she had really napped before.
She tricked me! She was so so quiet in her bed, but she couldn't possibly have really slept. I have been outwitted by a two-year old....oy. This bodes poorly for the future.
Today it is 3 and a half years since Nicolas was born. I can't say the half-year marker actually upsets me anymore, but i do note it still. I am sure that i am the only one who does.
Three and a half years is a long time. Time....moves on. I cannot say it flies, but it moves. It moves whether we move with it or not.
Or rather, nothing that i really want to talk about.
I have been rather sick all weekend, and though i am on antibiotics now and thus feeling a little better, i still came home from work as soon as i could and crawled into bed. Thank goodness for laptops.
In the absence of actual content, here is a picture of some asters. Skimpy, i know, but i can't get any other pics to load either. We will see if we manage to even post this post...
As i was walking home, i noticed that on the side of the campus map, some wit had written "University 'Girls' suck this:" complete with a primitive drawing of a penis.
Some other wit had taken it upon him or herself to cover up the penis, by sticking a piece of paper over it -- a page torn out of one of those little bibles that they hand out on streetcorners.
Why don't i ever have a camera with me when i see stuff like this?
I have seen no evidence of fleas in my house since Sunday's massive cleanup session. So that is my update! In fact i am getting sick and tired of vaccuuming every day, and so i post this because i know that by Murphy's Law, posting it will surely bring them back out if they are indeed there. So, if i post this and they DON'T appear, i can back down on the vaccuuming (like, to every 2 or 3 days, or something), which would be a small mercy.
Ok, since we are discussing....
For me, the fine line mentioned in the discussion of the woman who stole the newborn (ostensibly after suffering a stillbirth, though the truth of claim is in question) is not any line between good and evil. I think we can assume for the sake of discussion that the fascination in such a story is not whether it is wrong or right to attack people and steal their infants. The fascination, like in the Andrea Yates case, is precisely that we wonder what would drive somebody to commit such a heinous act. If we just say, 'because she is an evil person, but that has nothing to do with me, because i am a good person', then we are done and we can go on with our daily lives, trying (of course) to indeed be good people. But the question of losing sanity is very much exactly the question of losing one's reason -- and if you lose your reason, how do you know that you will not also lose the notion of what is truly good and evil?
So what i wish to discuss, instead, is the line between sanity and insanity. That is a line i am somewhat familiar with, having felt it in my own mind on occasion. It is less like a line, than like the edge of a cliff, because the other side of it completely shrouded in darkness. I have no clue, no conception at all, what is on the other side of that line in my mind. But it is not like a wall, because i have felt it with my thoughts, i have felt my thoughts touch that edge and explore it's contours. It is a razor's edge.
But i have not felt it often, and have been able to back away from it when i felt it. Because it is frightening, to imagine the other side. I never had the desire to launch myself off that cliff, as it were. Perhaps, to be sane is to know that you are feeling that edge, and it is only when you don't feel it that you risk plummeting over it? I am speculating here, because i do not know.
My agnostic, anti-church husband said something quite true the other day, when he was talking to A about religion:
'Religion', he said, 'is kind of like your experience with kung fu. You have to be dedicated and do alot of work to get anything out of it.'
Indeed. You see, i think i am being a good Catholic (well, reasonably good anyway) because i am going to church and i pray and i bring food for the food bank and i volunteer every now and then. But really i am just coasting, because i am not spending any time trying to tackle any of the real questions of religion -- big or small. And i am not even being a very good dead-baby activist lately -- in the church bulletin 2 weeks ago, our deacon's article was rather stupid on the subject of limbo and stillbirth, and i have yet to email him and address it.
It is wierd, though, than an offhand comment from an avowed hater of organized religion should remind me of this.
Something else about my dh -- he made the most mouth-wateringly fabulous beef stew the other day. I swear, there is not much that sounds quite so unappealing to me as the words 'beef stew', and i never thought that such a food could possibly described as even 'good', much less fabulous or mouth-watering. But this was a recipie out of the new Cook's Illustrated and it is great. Unfortunately i don't think the recipie is on the web, but i can't figure out their website at all so i can't vouch for that. But i do know there is still some at home left over in the fridge, and the minute i can get out of this office i am going to go home and consume it.
So anyway, i guess from reading over the above that things are more back to normal around here and my dh & i are no longer fighting. Feed me well, and i will forgive you anything.
From a NY Times article about a new MTV show:
“You can not only watch TV, but now you can actually live it,” Van Toffler, the president of the MTV Networks Music, Film and Logo Group, said in an interview.
Okey-dokey...do i have to pay extra for that?
Only i don't have a cat anymore.
Which means it's me who has the fleas.
Me and C, to be exact. And my carpet. And my bed.
Actually, there really aren't that many -- i caught 3 or 4 over 2 days and then we decided we needed to take strong measures.
We spent most of the weekend cleaning every concievable corner of the place and bagging up all the pillows & blankets and starting the process of washing them. I used borax on the carpets and vaccuumed vaccuumed vaccuumed. Dh even made me clean the inside of the cars. I am kind of afraid of the chemicals involved in flea-bombs, with the kids around, so i would like to avoid that if possible. If all this cleaning doesn't take care of the problem, though, we will have to go that route.
So that was my weekend, fun fun fun. I guess it could be worse, right? Though our bathtub clogged up, and dh had to take apart the drain to fix it, that's nothing compared to the toilet...
***edited to add***
Isn't it interesting that you (or rather, I ) would not admit to such a thing (as having fleas) to anyone i know in real life, but here i post it publically, on the internet, for the whole freaking world to see? What is up with that? Except for those of you who do know me in real life, and i guess at this point you won't be visiting anytime soon....
This teaching gig is not for the faint-hearted.
So, this morning i am giving a quiz, right? Suddenly one of my students falls out of his chair, onto the floor. His eyes are rolled up in his head. We all jump up and i run over to take a look, and then he starts shaking -- siezing -- a little. Not a lot, but obviously there is something going on. What the hell are you supposed to do? My cell phone would not turn on so i told the students 'someone call someone, call 911'.
Then i remembered that if someone is having a siezure you are supposed to make sure they don't bite their tongue off so i tried to open his mouth to stick something in it. This is probably an urban legend, but in this case it seemed to have been a good idea -- the action made him come to. Can you imagine, coming back to consciousness on the floor with your math teacher's chalk-covered fingers in your mouth? Crazy. 'I'm fine', he said, 'i just fell asleep'.
Uh, i don't think so.
The students around him asked him -- do you know where you are? Do you know what day it is? Did you sleep last night? Have you eaten anything lately? as the color slowly came back into his face. He did not know the answers to most of those things, until he looked at his quiz -- 'Oh yeah', he said, 'I remember this'.
By that time one of our campus cops (okay, a campus cop cadet, really) had come, took him out of the room and took charge of him. I use the words 'take charge' loosely because when i popped out a few minutes later when the EMT's came, the student (with the cadet in tow) had left to 'go this his physics class.' I am like, what the HELL! I think i even said that out loud, in front of the other students. That guy has no idea how much he freaked us all out. After an episode like that, you go to the ER, not to physics class. I told him that much, but did not have a chance to make him actually do it, since i had to go back and make sure the rest of them actually took their quiz.
It occured to me later that probably there had been some illegal drug use involved, because otherwise why would he bolt at the first opportunity? Though this is a good student (as far as i can tell in the first week+ of classes), nobody is that dedicated to physics...
Anyway it is like three hours later and i am still freaked out about it.
So, C is now in Toddler 2 class in daycare. Apparently in Toddler 2 they introduce more structured-type activities. Because the other day, when she got out of the car with dh, he was brandishing a whole load of stuff that she had done. Including a picture.
'Look what she did!', he said, all proud and all. 'She drew the whole family!'. And indeed, there was a sheet of paper, nicely labeled 'My Family' by the teacher, and on it were four distinct scribbles, again nicely labeled by the teacher: 'Mommy', 'Daddy', 'A', 'C'.
Okay, then.
I guess it just came out of left field. I wasn't expecting this, this early. I can blame the daycare i suppose -- A went to montessori, it is far more self-directed, and he didn't bring home any pictures of his family or whatever. They drew what they wanted to. So maybe i should put C in a montessori. Which will still not solve my little problem.
I would not of course expect her to include Nicolas -- we rarely have reason to mention him, and though she is familiar with the name the concept of having a brother that died is far beyond her capability of understanding at this point. And even if she did know about him somehow -- like that we talked about him that much that she knew someone was missing -- and want to include him, how would the teacher know anyway. And i guess dh could have had his eyes open on that one -- handing it to me like that, what was he thinking? -- but honestly he probably has no idea how much this all upset me.
I guess i had been weepy all day, so this was not a good time to be presented with this picture. Of course, there never is a good time, is there?
Today i am thinking of Connie's sweet boy Ian, who was stillborn on this day in 2003. Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven, little man. I have a candle lit for you.
Connie doesn't blog (yet) but she does read occasionally, which is why i put this here. (And i even got the date right this time...)
Well, i have been blogging for a whole year now.
Since the stated purpose of this blog was to show pictures of Nicolas' garden, we should probably do so. What a difference a year makes...this was last year. Here is the backyard this year....
and here is Nicolas' tree. It is still alive, as you see, though it could use a pruning.
I am sorry i have not had many garden pictures up lately, it is because (a) i have not had time to go out there and weed lately and (b) during August there was this bad time when nothing was blooming at all (except the african daisies). The 'summer' stuff was done before the 'fall' stuff was in gear. We will have to fix that for next year. Now at least some of the fall plants are starting to bloom.
The sweet autumn Clematis is a sight to see. There is alot of it! Last year it had only a few flowers -- which was not a problem, since it was new. But it has really taken off well this year.
This is anemone 'Honorine Jobert' which is finally blooming. Pretty, isn't it? The plant has big green leaves and is not that attractive but the flowers are beautiful.
This sweet woodruff has gotten totally out of hand. Especially for something that i didn't ever plant in the first place. I am going to have to tear it all out, because it is choking out the plants i actually DID plant there. Anyone want some?
Here is another picture, this is the backyard as you see it when you walk out of the kitchen door. The garage....sigh, one of these years.
That large mass of messy greenery on the left is the end of the vegetable garden.
Hyacinth beans blooming on the fence. These are annuals and i am not sure if i will grow them next year or not. Yes, they are very pretty -- but they are also rather unruly. My neighbor was cutting them down on her side of the fence because they were taking over her garden! At the same time, i had very few on my side. So, okay, i obviously don't have the time to deal with uncooperative plants...if i do grow them next year, i will start the seeds inside because they took too long to start blooming this year, too.
Here is a bud of 'Golden Showers' leaning against the rose pillar...for support i guess. I would need support if i were one of my roses too -- spindly, moldy, bug-eaten things that they are, desperately in need of pruning. But still they manage to bloom every now and again....
I did not take the time to take care of my roses this year, as i should have. It is a very unfortunate situation. Maybe i should not even have roses. Here is 'the Pilgrim'...
...'Winchester Cathedral'...
...and 'Intrigue'. Though i am cheating there, this picture of 'Intrigue' was from last week.
Oh well, a little cheating is okay, when it comes to gardening.
I would say that i am stealing this idea from kateandjona, which i am, except that i was planning to write it before. So i am not totally stealing it.
We were living in Paris in fall of 2001 -- in fact we had just moved there in August. Alexander had started school in the beginning of September and that's where he was that afternoon -- dh and i were both at work.
I recieved a frantic and confused email from my mother around 3:30, saying something about airplanes and the World Trade Center. I had no idea what she was talking about, and honestly i thought she was joking or hallucinating or something. But then my colleague John came to my door -- he had got an email from his girlfriend too. "She says they are attacking us!!" he said. We all ran downstairs to the cafeteria where there was a TV, and watched in horror as the second tower fell.
I remember staring at it, thinking that it couldn't possibly be real. That it was like a scene in some action movie, and not reality. I mean, how could such a thing be? 'Oh my God', said Muriel, 'think of all the people'.
We did not watch for long -- i called my dh to see if he knew, and went to get A. He was just finished with school and either they did not know or they did not tell him. So i told him, and we went home to see if there was any news. By the time we got home, they were no longer showing pictures of the people jumping, so i know at least he did not see that. I did not see it either, but dh did. He told me that when he was coming home on the train, he saw a bunch of Americans having fun and laughing -- obviously they were on vacation and had heard nothing. 'Did you tell them?' i said. 'No', he said, 'they will find out soon enough, why wreck their vacation?' I guess i understand that, but i would have told them. If it were me, i would want to know.
The next morning i took A to school as usual. We were waiting at the bus stop, talking, when the garbage men came by, sweeping the street. 'Are you Americans?' said the one fellow. 'Yes', i said. 'I'm sorry', he said, 'I'm sorry for your loss'. 'Thank you', i said, and nearly started to cry again. It was so sweet of him to say -- such a gesture of goodwill. Because honestly, they don't usually talk to you, there is a fairly strong social structure there and that is the only time in the two years that i was there that i ever interacted with a garbage man at all.
So it's a small story, but one that i remember whenever i think of September 11th. There is some hope, always, in the fact that tragedy brings people together. In small ways and in big ones -- it brings out our humanity, our desire to help, our caring for each other.
In that vein, please visit some of the bloggers who are commemorating those who died that day. You can start here or here or here...
These are some pictures from this weekend, from one of our local events. A street fair with music, beer, crafts, and various counterculture stuff...
And here are some other weekend pictures, for Catherine.
Of course i missed it last week when it came out, but better late than never. Seems very counter-intuitive, doesn't it?
Voluntary C-Sections Result in More Baby Deaths
You have to sign up with the NYtimes to view their stuff...
This weekend we went to the zoo.
We saw the butterfly house, which is one of Chloe's favorite things.
She loves to watch them....but oh no look what happened!
A butterfly landed on her arm! You can just see him there on the left in the picture. She got so upset and frightened! These huge tears were streaming out of her eyes...what a traumatic event....
It was a very nice day, until it came time for me to walk home. That's when it started thunderstorming. And what rain, you would not believe. The drops are so big they feel like hailstones on your back. Of course, i didn't have an umbrella with me, they are all in the car. Who came up with that idea?
Anyway, i wandered home, wet as a drowned rat. Truly, after some point you are so wet it doesn't pay to hurry. I think i must have had a prize scowl on my face -- i had just spent the whole afternoon (except the part where i was reading blogs) trying to figure out a problem which is still totally f**ked up.
So i passed one guy, who was tying up his bicycle in the rain. "Cheer up", he said to my scowling face, "it is only a little rain." "True enough", i said and laughed, "worse things have happened, eh?"
Then, a minute later, i passed another guy. "OH my God", he said, "I can't believe this. This is SO unfair!" "Yeah, life isn't fair, is it?" I said, with a smile this time. "Well, if you put it that way", he said, and laughed too.
So i guess it is all how you look at it, i thought, as i schlepped home in the rain which was so strong at this point you couldn't even see too far in front of you...the way i looked at it at that point was that i was lucky, i had 10 minutes left to change my clothes and dry off before i had to leave to go get A.
Of course NOW the rain has totally stopped!
For me, that is.
In fact it is going fine, i don't know why i am so depressed. Not even a strong application of chocolate cake has made for any lightening in my mood. This is the beginning of my fourth year here. I have finished three years, and now i start my fourth. Four years since i first came here and wandered the halls like a ghost, six months after my baby died. Nicolas would have been 3 1/2 this month, in March it will be his 4th birthday. Four? Today that four is.....well, 'Inconcievable!' comes to mind (C has discovered the movie 'the Princess Bride', which we now have on alot) I cannot believe it has been so long, it feels like just yesterday.
The beginning of another year. Last year it did not bother me -- okay, last year i had a hard time with C's birthday, which did not cause me difficulty this year. But the start of school did not bother me.
Maybe this year is different for a number of reasons -- the MIL was here for the weekend, i was at my mother's the week before that. Dh and i have stopped fighting but only because we are tired of it, all of our issues remain totally unresolved and there is a tremendous amount of hurt there. I very nearly walked out of here a few nights ago, and only stayed because the MIL was here and i did not intend to make a scene in front of her. Things are still not going great for me at work. But the days just seem to slip by me anyway, without me being able to grab them and make any difference in my life. It is all running away from me, i don't know what to do.
Well, we had a fun time, mostly, at C's party.
It is a little overwhelming to have a party, i suppose, when you are two. She screamed and had to leave the room instead of blowing out her candles. I realized later that this was my fault -- it was the candles, you see. A few weeks ago she had grabbed at a votive candle that had just been blown out and got hot wax all over her hand, and of course it hurt. So now she is very wary of candles, and i did not think of it or prepare her for the candles-on-the-cake idea. Sigh.
But other than that incident, everything went well, all the kids had fun and the adults too. There were 4 kids that came -- one more than i had planned, because i thought one little girl would not come and she did. I was suprised how well they played together -- the kids played in the living room while the parents ate snacks & drank wine in the kitchen. It was very nice, in fact.
There was alot of candy to be had...
and i had to apologize to one parent about the sheer amount of toy weaponry available in my house. I did explain that until Alexander was 6 or so, they were totally forbidden but then he became so obsessed with guns that i thought that forbidding the toys was making the obsession worse. When they are bigger, you don't really think about it any more. But then you see a bunch of little ones running around with the guns and you feel really bad...
At least they still like to read books.
