Where the grass is greener

My mother rides the bus every morning with a graduate student in Chemistry whose name is (also) Catherine. This Catherine has a daughter S who is C's age and she is a devotee of attachment parenting. This leads to a good deal of righteous indignation on my mother's part: "She breastfeeds her three. year. old. On. the. BUS. ON THE BUS I TELL YOU!!!" "Does S ever walk? She CARRIES her in that SLING. ALL THE TIME." I actually really enjoy these tirades of my mother's -- for once, she is not criticizing my parenting (of which she knows nothing anyway, having not seen any of us for more than two years), but is criticizing someone else. So i admit i would look forward to hearing stories of the newest outrages perpetrated by the Catherine on the bus.

Until Catherine on the bus got pregnant again, and announced to my mother that she was planning a home birth. Because, you know, 'i have heard so many horror stories of births in the hospital.'

My mother dutifully reported their conversation to me, and how she tried to tell this Catherine to birth in the hospital, even using the old saw 'You know what happened to MY daughter', to which she got 'Yes, but that is very rare.' And etc etc etc. blah blah.

I had not heard about Catherine for awhile, until yesterday when my mom reported via email that Catherine was on the bus again, her baby boy had been born healthy & strong & at home -- home water birth, i gather. "She is SO lucky", said my mother. Indeed.

I don't know -- i don't begrudge Catherine her live baby boy and her 'beautiful birth'. I am very glad that it worked out for her. I am not jealous of that, but i am jealous of something. I am jealous, i think, of her naivite (which needs an accent but i don't know how to do it). There's something golden in that -- that belief that things will go well, that there is no need to hedge your bets. I can't really formulate what i want to say, i can't figure out how to say it.

There are lots of new, safe arrivals in my peer group these days. I am happy for them all, and i am fearful for my friends & neighbors before the delivery. I know there is no guarantee of a happy ending, wherever you are when you deliver the baby. But i also know that most people don't have that anxiety that i do, a pit of bile in the stomach, as i watch a due date pass and an expectant friend go a few days (or weeks) over. I just know too much, i guess, too many 'horror stories' -- but ours end in 'and the baby died'.

And March is just around the corner, the month with Nicolas' birthday as well as the birthdays of many babies whose mom's blogs i frequent. The homebirth thing above obviously reminded me specifically of Erin and of how much she is missing her beautiful Birdie in these days leading up to her birthday. And the unfairness, but also the seeming arbitrariness, of loss. Why one baby and not another? Not that there is any answer to that eternal question, not in this world...but it is hard to leave it be. And it is hard not to be resentful.

Period of transition (again)

So, i decided to send 'em to daycare after all. It is a bit of a pain -- now we have to get *everybody* out of the house first thing in the morning, leaving the whole place in a squalid mess. I drive the babies to daycare & then self to work, have to pay for parking, all that. And i am sure they will be constantly sick now. But at any rate there is some reliability/supervision of the situation. So my guess is that after a few days, my anxiety levels will drop a bit and i will be able to deal with things more.

They are in a standard corporate-type daycare -- a different branch of the same chain that C attended. It is not too bad though because there are not that many infants in the infant room. Actually there are only 2 more and nobody goes full time so there won't always be 2 others there with my two...all the schedules are staggered, it seems. M & T were perfectly happy when i left them there -- they have plenty of toys there so it was very popular. We will see how the pickup & the rest of the week goes.

Sigh...

oh, with respect to the sewer line -- again it was clogged with a bunch of rags. Doesn't make sense though because none of *us* are flushing rags down the toilet! Dh thinks they may be backing up from the main sewer line, and originating from the laundrymat that recently opened down the street. Bizarre though. Hey, at least i can do laundry again!

minor disaster 'o the day

remember the $1100 plumber's bill a month ago for the backed-up sewer line? Well, the sewer line just backed up again.

ok, i am now feeling a little picked-on by the universe.

Well, now what?

First of all, here's the update on the April situation -- most importantly, the $2000 laptop she charged didn't go through, so there is money in my checking account again. The fact that it was a debit card rather than a credit card means it is a felony (bank fraud), categorically worse than if it was a regular credit card. By the way she had been stealing the credit card numbers too -- several of our credit cards had been compromised in the last few months. But i originally thought someone had stolen our mail out of the mailbox, and did not have hard evidence that it was her until Wednesday. Wednesday before i learned about the ATM card, that is -- i had left some new (unactivated) credit cards in their envelope on the top of a pile on the table, and they walked away with April.

Anyway, to respond to your questions -- no, no jewelry is missing, or anything else that i can find, and i don't think she took our social security numbers because there is no activity on our credit reports. To find that information she would have had to dig deeper than just look through the piles of mail anyway. The ATM card had to have been taken out of my wallet, and specifically on payday, by the way. The police are following up the thing. Usually i would have little confidence in the Detroit police to do anything about this (in fact i would personally rather they were concentrating on the murder down the street....it's been quite the week in the 'hood) but it seems an open-and-shut case if they can get the evidence that the purchased items were sent to her house. (after all, she *did* use her home address for that $250 of sex toys). Everybody likes an open-and-shut case, right?

I fired April over the phone. It wasn't my first choice but dh didn't want to stay home with me and none of the neighbors were available -- and i wasn't going to do it in person by myself, with just the babies around. So we left the house Friday morning before she was supposed to show up, and when she did call i told her we no longer needed her services because she had been so unreliable that i had made other arrangements. (The cop told me not to tell her she was suspect #1) When she asked if i was planning on paying her the money i owed her, i told her i would have been happy to except that someone stole all the money out of my checking account so i couldn't. "Call me in 2 weeks", i said, "when i get paid again". Heh. We will see if she does...

But that leaves me with the question -- nanny or daycare? In fact, it wouldn't even be a question at all had i not been talking to a woman named Alissa before this all happened. I would just stick 'em in daycare, even though it is more expensive and more inconvenient. Because my trust is shot and my anxiety levels are through the roof.

But Alissa is -- well, our phone conversation went like this: "so, how old are you?" "I'm 28, i have three kids...well, two now". In fact i was going to post about it here before the whole April fracas took precedence. What i want to know is, why is it for years i never knew anybody who had any losses, and now EVERYBODY I MEET has a dead kid? Like, i entered dead baby world and now i CAN'T GET OUT. What's up what that? It is freaking me out.

Obviously April's loss story is suspect now -- she had been working me for a week when she told it, and it is easy enough when hanging out around here to guess that some loss happened to us. Not that the decor is all dead-baby or anything, but there are Nicolas-related things here and there. And it's kinda hard to miss the little urn sitting on the dresser, if you know anything of such things. Certainly that story is the reason that i gave April so much leeway when things started to go bad/suspicious. But you know, she did con us all -- not just me & dh, but his mom, the neighbors, S...everyone who met her agreed how nice she was. I guess that is what makes for a successful thief of this sort, right?

But back to Alissa, she had no reason to think that i would be particularly susceptible to such a story. Her son Zack was her third baby, and born with a rare genetic defect whose name i did not write down and as such have now forgotten. He lived for 9 months, mostly in one hospital or the other. He did come home a few times, but Alissa says 'it was too stressful for him, really'. He died in June. Alissa started helping her friend, who brought home newborn twin girls, in October. 'It gives me my baby fix, since we won't be having more', she said, 'and gets me out of the house.' They bought the house when they were expecting Zack -- 3rd baby, bigger house, right? 'I hate to be there alone', she said. It's all very familiar.

So yeah, she sounds perfect, right? Like someone you can trust. But gee, April sounded pretty good at first, too. So i simply do not know what to do.

Nice

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Illness update

Well, M held off until yesterday evening but he is sick now too. I am still standing myself (knock on wood!) Though i think i have been fighting these germs since C brought them home, since, well, i guess 2 weeks of continual body aches is not really normal. Still, i have not yet come down with it full force.

This must be a very special germ though, that turns men into complete assholes. Because since dh got sick & then better, it has been seriously impossible to deal with the guy. Something must be done. How many piranhas would i need to efficiently dispose of the body of a full-size adult male? Too many to be practical, i suppose. I will have to come up with something else....

goin' down...

OK, now T has a fever of 102, so the babies will both surely be sick by the end of the day. C is still not well (after a week!) Yesterday she fell asleep at 3 pm and slept until 7 am this morning. She has not eaten anything substantive for that week. Actually, come to think of it, neither have i. Great diet plan....i am wearing pre-pregnancy pants today. Just barely got 'em closed, i look horrid and lumpy, but still. Actually i had no choice because my usual pants etc. are in a large pile of unwashed clothes on my bedroom floor.

April showed up this morning, and dh went to work today, so he is feeling a little better (well enough to make his escape from the house of sick whiny children). Yesterday i brought him some decongestant early in the morning & he was up shortly after that, haranguing me about the state of the kitchen and the recycling pile is a disaster and why does nobody vacuum? After sleeping on the floor for several nights running (don't ask), i am simply not in the mood for this sort of thing. It is best that he goes to work, otherwise i might murder the guy.

Yeah this blog is fascinating these days, isn't it? I am almost too sick & tired to even be depressed.

Winter sucks.

update

Well, things have improved in so far as April has started to show up again. And i am still not really sick -- i mean i have a headache & body aches & have barely eaten for 3 days but i up & moving & at work with no fever. Unlike hubby who is home moaning in bed, and C who is home moaning on the couch. So we will see how long A, the babies & i manage to be not really sick.

But yes, i am looking for April's replacement. I have some names but it is hard to find someone. And i hate to cycle through people like that...dh is of the opinion that anyone else will just behave the same way, because all the people who take these kinds of jobs are of the same ilk. (Not to offend any of you current or former nannies out there...this is what his coworker told him, who has been through many, many nannies.) It is true that i am paying her $10/hour which maybe is not so much these days. But i don't expect her to do housework or anything except take care of the babies. Oh, and show up. In March, she has been working for me for 6 months which would be a natural time to discuss a raise if things were going well. But what with the last month, heck. The only reason she is still employed is because i don't have another option at this time...

OK, i concede

Fine, universe, i am defeated.

Babies were sick all last week, C is sick now with something different and i am getting sick myself. Consequently, there is not much sleeping going on in my house. Yesterday we went to Chuck-E-Cheese & the man at the next table started a conversation with me, telling me in his broken English that his 40-day old daughter had just died, 5 days ago. December 24th was her birthday. Looks like SIDS -- they found her dead in the crib -- but he didn't know what that was so we had a long conversation. They are Arabic, his wife spoke no English. She just sat there, staring -- still in shock, evidently. He took the family to Chuck-E-Cheese to get her out of the house & stop her from crying...oy, just like a man, eh? And of course the woman with twin babies sits down next to them. Super.

C just sat in her bowl of macaroni-and-cheese.

April simply didn't show up this morning, again, and was not reachable on the phone. I had my neighbor come over as soon as she could (she works from home), ran to my calc class and was 14 minutes 55 seconds late. At 15 minutes the students are allowed to leave, so they all had their coats on & you can guess how happy they were to see me. But actually i just told them to keep their coats on, gave their tests back and let them leave. Then i went to the department & knocked on doors until i found a grad student to teach my 10:40 class and someone to proctor a makeup test that was scheduled for 1:00; and came home. I forgot to email about the meeting i am missing. I got a text message from April around 1pm, saying that she was sorry and she slept late. Grand.

My babies will not nap, my pipes are frozen, and i am out of clean diapers. Because babies ate, uh, a lot of prunes yesterday. Fabulous.

Let's just say i have had better days.

Damn it.

I just realized that Ash Wednesday is Wednesday of this week, which means Easter is "early" again this year and in fact falls around Nicolas' dates again. This is the second time this has happened (it didn't happen the year he was born). He died on March 22, this year Easter is March 23, right between his death day & his birth day(March 25th). March 23 was actually the day we discovered he had died, but i am quite sure i know when it was that he did die, and it was the day before.

Anyway, it really pisses me off when this happens. It is a real slap in the face. I like Easter, generally. It features flowers and springtime and that most important component, candy. I enjoy the whole Ash Wednesday/Lent/repentance/Good Friday/sorrow/Easter/resurrection cycle. I am even able to drag my dh to church on Easter Sunday. Easter is a holiday about rebirth and hope. My dead baby's birthday, though, is not about rebirth and hope. It's pretty much about being dead. OK, specifically it is about another year of him being gone. And it's the only goddamn time he has that is his, that is about him. Except when some stupid holiday decides to fall on his days. I hate that.

indulge me (7 1/2 months)

OK, i have some baby pictures & some developmental reports.

Well, both boys can sit up, albeit for only 5 minutes or so before they fall over. They can't crawl forwards yet but they have both learned how to propel themselves backwards. So far this has not been very helpful to M, who only succeeds in getting himself stuck in unpleasant places like next to the toilet or under the couch.

[photo removed]

T, however, is more sophisticated and can push himself backwards & look behind his shoulder & rotate his body around. Thus, he can in fact get into stuff. So, yesterday, he managed to find a plastic bag to play with, nearly crushed his fingers in the swinging door, chewed on a very exciting electrical cord, and scored a new green toy from C's room (as you can see).
[photo removed]

He picked the green thing out of a box of various choking hazards that i was sure was out of reach. And yes, this is just starting....

Lest i give the impression that M does nothing...he is more skilled in the 'fine motor' area. Specifically, M's seeming goal in life is to eat everything edible he can get his hands on, so he is working very hard on picking up Cheerios and feeding himself with them. T actually likes Cheerios better than M (when i break them up into halves & stick them in their mouths) but T is uninterested in even trying to pick them up. M, in contrast, can actually pick them up, hold them in a pincer grip and move them from hand to hand, and eventually maybe get them into the mouth (usually he drops them in the process, but there has been some minimal success). And he can use the sippy cup with no problem now too. The boy is all about food, you see. You should see him eat, it is amazing. "How can one little baby eat that much?" is the comment of anyone who watches him....

We went back for our weight check, and they are back up in the 20-25th percentile...M is 16 lbs 12 oz and T is 17 lbs 2 oz. So they are growing fine, i have been successful in fattening them up. I don't understand why M is smaller when he eats like twice as much, but i guess it's a question of metabolism?