6 month checkup

Well, our 6 month visit didn't go as well -- the babies have fallen to the 7th percentile in growth...they are only 14 lbs 11 oz each. A month ago (well, 6 weeks), they were in the 25th percentile. That was their weigh-in at the visit where they were diagnosed with thrush. I guess the thrush messed us up because then they stopped eating anything at all for April & never started again. Not that they are fussy for her or anything -- they are just happy to sleep in her arms all day. It took us about 3 weeks to get rid of the thrush and since then they just haven't been willing to take a bottle (of anything, from anybody). They are not unhappy, they are not thin (nice little rolls on the legs), they are developmentally on target. They are just little.

So, the dr suggested upping their intake of solids to 3 meals a day (we had been doing one, maybe two). They love their cereal & vegetables & fruits of all sorts...whatever we have tried so far. This would be fine but cereal 3x a day means having the milk on hand to mix in the cereal & that is one thing i don't have. I haven't been pumping much & let's face it, the milk just isn't there. They do nurse fine, albeit they are fussy about it because they are impatient & don't like to wait for the milk to let down. But after they nurse there isn't any left to pump (i have been trying). So, now mostly they get formula with their cereal, thus making me feel like a loser and further dwindling my milk supply. Since they would rather eat cereal & yummy fruits, than spend time struggling at the breast to get the milk to let down. And then also, i have not even been making their baby foods -- i have been feeding them jarred food. I never fed A jarred food, and C rarely. But i can't seem to manage to make the boys food at all, i guess....i suck.

Oh this is such fun. I thought that when we made it through the first few weeks of establishing nursing & growth spurts & then later starting work, that i would be home free and could nurse without issue for the first year, anyway. Ha ha har de har de har. Joke's on me.

I am trying to pump more, to increase supply & give them breastmilk with the cereal. But it is very hard to pump when you have two 6-month olds to take care of, as well as C. Right now i can manage a little because my MIL is in town & dh is at home. But MIL is leaving and dh, well, you know, he has other things to do, because who cares if they drink breastmilk or formula anyway. I will spare you the things he says, because they are just awful.

The doctor will see them back in 5-6 weeks or so, to weigh them & see how it is going. I have one more week off & then the next semester starts. My internet connection at home is very bad -- Dh tried to make some improvements & now it works very poorly. Oh, and the coffeemaker is broken.

So that's the report from here....at very least, i am going to go out today & get a new coffeemaker.

Merry Christmas to all...

[photo removed]

...and to all a good night! (I know i sure could use one...)

contentless

is that even a word? 'without content', i should say -- both describes this blog recently and sums up the state of my brain. I actually do have some posts to write, some things to say...if i could find the energy to say them. But that energy seems beyond me. It might help if i could get some sleep.

A few nights ago we went to another family's house for dinner. The guy works with my DH, his degree is in an area close to mine. The woman, turns out, works in a related field. They have three kids, ages 6, 4, 2. So it was a fairly good dynamic for us -- A & their oldest played games on the Wii all night, and C was fast friends with the 4-year old girl. In fact they got along really well, it turned out they were very much alike. But for me it was difficult to meet new people...especially because i was unable to really talk to them. I find i am incapable of adult conversation...i mean i could probably hold my own in a discussion of diapers or laundry or breastfeeding or dead babies...but anything more is asking too much. I was really bewildered while the others talked about politics, science, religion, and etc. It was like, oh yeah, there was a time i could actually think about stuff, reason through things, and even had some opinions. Now, it's like my mind is mush...let us hope it is just sleep deprivation and the brain will eventually reactivate itself? One can dream....

career plans

So, i said to C:

"C, what are you going to be when you grow up?"

and she answered:

"I gonna be a scarecrow!"

Yardwork

[photo removed]

I need to write a real post. But my life is all piles right now -- piles of papers to grade, laundry to put away, laundry to do, bills to sort, toys to clean. So maybe i will get caught up this weekend, but probably not. In the intervening time here is a cute picture of C. Of course, it is about a month old -- we have snow on the ground now.

twins will make you do crazy things

I must admit, i am a Santa-hater. To me, he is a representation of what is wrong with our shallow, consumerist-driven culture. Gross materialism in a red coat, that guy. It isn't really that he is a lie we tell our children, that doesn't bother me so much (life is full of lies and disappointments, unfortunately). What bothers me is the Christmas list, the 'naughty or nice', the very idea that you go to some guy and ask him for presents and he gives them to you...i just don't like it. I have never encouraged a belief in Santa in my children. They imbibe it from popular culture, from the things others say...so no, i don't crassly tell them it is a lie, but i don't reinforce it either. And i certainly don't take them to the mall to sit on Santa's lap for an overpriced photo op.

But then we had twins, and i just could not resist...

[photos removed]


T is on the left, we managed to get that one little smile for the camera. M, as you see, refused to smile...but at least they didn't cry. C was not there -- last year she would hide or cry whenever she saw any Santa-like object. This year i suspect she has a better idea of what is going on and would hop on his lap and tell him she wanted every toy in the store. So that's not a lot better, really.

of goldfish and brothers

I have been needing to write this post for, well, a solid month.

So, to recap, C had 'won' three goldfish at her friend's school Halloween fair, and of course a day or so later the smallest goldfish died. I called Dh to warn him that there was going to be some death conversation as a result, and after all it was well-timed given that dia de los muertos was right around the corner. His suggestion -- "Just tell her it died because it was a baby." "Yeah, that's just what we need to do, my dear -- reinforce the dead-baby aspect of our lives." Sheesh, what ARE men thinking??

I told her as we came home from school.

"I am sorry to tell you, that little goldfish died."

"He died? He killed hisself?"

"No, remember how daddy said he was looking sick? He got too sick, and he died. He didn't kill himself, he died from being sick."

She looked at me with sad eyes, and i forged on valiantly.

"Now we will dig a hole in the backyard, and bury him in it."

"And...dat will make him better?" she asked, doubtfully.

"No, once something dies, it can't get better. It isn't alive anymore. It isn't moving. Here, i will get the fishie and show you."

"OK, i dig a hole!!!"

(it is always fun to dig holes)

So i got the fish, held in a tissue, and showed her that he was no longer moving. Meantime she had dug a shallow hole in the sand. (long story about the sand and the concrete, don't ask. Suffice it to say one whole part of my backyard is a veritable sandbox-without-the-box. And it is dragged inside continuously...)

So we put the fish in the hole, covered him up, and stuck a stone to mark the spot. She brought her little chair over and sat next to the grave, looking at it.

"Now he will get better?"

"No..." reiterate previous conversation about sickness and death. I explained also that usually when we get sick we go to the doctor to make us better, but sometimes they cannot.

"We take him to fish doctor now?"

"Well, once you are dead, it is too late. We have to take him to the doctor before he dies. With fish sometimes it is very hard to make them better, even if you do take them to the doctor." (Dh is laughing maniacally in the kitchen by this point...)

"OK", she said, then got up and walked off to dig holes somewhere else.

When the next two fish slowly died off within the next week, she seemed less traumatized. When i put up the pictures of our dead family members for dia de los muertos, she accepted this without question or much interest either. We didn't actually comment on Nicolas' ultrasound pic among them. Then after the pictures of the dead were down, i put up the baby pictures finally -- 5 pictures in matching frames, in order of birth. Nicolas', though, is still the ultrasound pic. She didn't notice for awhile, so eventually i brought it up.

"C, did you see, i put up the baby pictures."

We dragged a chair over to the mantle, so she could get up & see.

"That one is water?" she said, pointing to Nicolas. (I admit it didn't occur to me that she would not recognize a baby's profile in the ultrasound black & white....oops)

"No, that's Nicolas, your brother who died. He was born before you, after A. We have A, Nicolas, then you & M & T".

"No", she said. She pushed back the frame with Nicolas' picture and moved hers over next to A.

"No", i said, fixing it. "Nicolas belongs there. He was born after A and that is his place. He died and couldn't come home to live with us, but he was born and i don't want to forget him."

She looked at me like i was mildly crazy, and walked off to play with something else.

OK then. I am clearly not doing very well with this thing here. I guess i should be thankful that she didn't ask me if i buried Nicolas in the sand in the back yard....

Thanksgiving

Me: Ok, let's go around the table and say what we are thankful for.

***chorus of groans***

Me: C, what are you thankful for?

C: Ummmmm......cookies. And pizza.

Thanksgiving, 2

I can't say i have ever been really part & parcel of Thanksgiving. This holiday is so quintessentially American -- with the turkey & the big extended family & the football -- that it meant very little to me growing up. After all, when all your extended family is behind the Iron Curtain, and you hate turkey and football, there is really very little there. My mother would make a nice meal for the three of us, we would eat in the dining room with fancy settings, and then my dad would go back to work. OK, this describes every single holiday of my childhood. The difference with Thanksgiving is that rather than some fight about why he had to work on the holidays and why he couldn't spend time with the family & yadda yadda....my mom simply didn't care about this one. So, really, without the fight, how can you even consider it a holiday?

She did start to get upset with it after he left, though, and it became just her & me & the meal in the cold dining room (no money for proper heat anymore). Then she would watch the neighbors, as the seemingly endless carloads of kids & grandkids arrived, and scowl.

So for me, i didn't experience this extended-family Thanksgiving thing until i started dating dh, and he took me home for turkey day that first year. Then i realized it was in fact a very nice thing, traditional cuisine notwithstanding. With everyone going to one house, the big big extended table, six ladies in the kitchen cooking and the kids running around, getting bigger every year...it is a nice thing. I do treasure the memories of those Thanksgivings with his family, when A was the smallest child....now we live too far away to go, and it makes me sad.

But yet again there was something there that started in my mother's mind -- the constant exclusion of her, all those holidays where she sat at home alone. Just like she sat at home alone yesterday....15 years of sitting home alone. For the first few years, we tried to be fair about the holidays, go see everyone, you know. And my mother was invited to the holidays at the inlaws (which she never went to). But then we were disinvited from my mom's, for whatever reasons. And she never took up anybody's holiday invites...so noone ever invites her any more. This year, my guilt is strong. Though i still cannot pinpoint what i really could have done/ can do differently.

Ah, though, guilt is another holiday requirement, isn't it? Along with the fighting. Dh and i have been getting along well lately (knock on wood) so no fighting there....but he and his mother did have a rollicking row this morning about the opening hours of the Sears Auto Center, so i suppose that fits the bill...

And then, Myles arrived safely!!

Congratulations all!!

Myles is on his way!!

I got an email from Catherine saying that they are having Myles today!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have her blog password so if i hear anything further i will post it here & in her comments...

a good night

Sunday morning i woke rested and revived -- we had a good night! While in the shower i thought over the details of what constitutes a 'good night' around here, and figured i had better write them down for posterity.

9 pm -- i fall asleep fully clothed while feeding M (who also falls asleep). Dh & A have T, who refuses to fall asleep, since he took a 3-hour nap in the early evening. Ooops.

9:55 -- Dh wakes me to ask what to feed T (answer: oatmeal, as he slept through his usual dinner, mix with 1/2 breastmilk, 1/2 apple juice; because otherwise he won't eat it)

10:00 -- A wakes me to ask what to feed T. Didn't i just answer this question?

11:15 -- T needs to nurse. I wake up enough to get out of bed & change into my pajamas.

11:30 -- T is still not asleep so dh puts him in the swinging chair to CIO. I say i am against this because it is not the method previously discussed & agreed upon. Then i put a pillow over my head & fall asleep while the baby cries.

12:00 -- Dh wakes me because he, uh, needs some attention. (By the way, ordinarily i will not put up with being woken for sex but since the twins have arrived it is the only way to actually get any....)

2:00 -- M wakes up, i take him into bed to nurse, fall asleep nursing

4:00 -- M wakes again to eat, i stick a boob in his mouth & fall right back asleep

5:17 -- I wake with a start -- OMG the alarm didn't go off! Wait a minute, it is Sunday, we can sleep in...

6:00 -- T wakes up to eat. That's right, he slept 6 hours straight!!! I leave M in our bed, feed T, put him back in the swinging chair, go back to sleep in the bed. Nice.

8:00 -- C wakes up, M wakes up, day starts. Wow, i got to sleep until 8 am!!

The bad nights, you don't want a chronicle of those...

Holiday season

Today is A's birthday. He is 15 years old today! Old enough to get a learner's permit to drive. Last week he went to a school dance for the first time, kind of/sort of with a girl (they arrived & left separately, thus making it absolutely not a date, Mom! Geez! Leave me alone! )

GAAAH! Now i feel really old. Really really old. Really really really really...ok, enough of that.

It is also the start of the holiday season for us. The Xmas thing has gotten quite involved for me, and it starts early. I won't put up a tree until a few days before Dec. 25th, but somehow there is so much to do that A's birthday really signals the start of the season. I will try to get dh to decorate the outside of the house for the house tours, which are the first weekend in December. No, my house is not on tour this year, but i think i may not get out of doing it next year. Goddamn.

Anyway i am trying not to freak out about the holidays, and not be too upset or overwhelmed. I will let you know how that plan goes...

Identical? (edited)

Ok, i don't *know* they are not identical. It is possible they are. They looked different when they were born (to me, anyway). But now they look totally identical, it is very hard to tell them apart in person as well. On photos, well, forget it. So, really i would have to pay out-of-pocket for genetic tests to be sure. But i can think of alot better uses for several hundred dollars....

It's funny though that if you look at A's baby pictures he looked very very similar to them. So maybe it's just strong genes.

edited to add: Yes, they can still be identical and have separate placentas. (of course, if they share a placenta they are definitely identical) It depends on how early in the development process the fertilized egg splits into two. If you read the Wikipedia entry on twins it tells you about that plus lots of weird stuff -- how you can get identical twins of different sexes, chimeras, etc....

stripes

[photos removed]

small boy/big chair

[photo removed]

fall

not better yet...

...worse, i would say. Babies are both sick, some virus, since friday or so. It is not too nasty, bad cough basically. C had it first, and had an ear infection too, but she is now on antibiotics for that (and is back in school). Of course with the cough & congestion, babies will not sleep unless held (ideally, upright) by someone at all times. (Fie on you, foul swinging chair, they say...and of course the crib is RIGHT OUT).

I could regale you with an amusing quack doctor story, or some more fabulous teaching stories. Rosepetal, i am not sure about the (mental) age of my students! Certainly there are
many who are responsible and intelligent. But the sheer number of immature idiots seems to be rising...

So anyway i am becoming rather sleep-deprived. Today i had to concentrate quite hard on walking because i was having trouble with that skill...i can't really let them CIO when they are sick, though. I am tentatively planning the CIO for Christmas break, they will be 6 months old then, so maybe i will be able to do it.

sometimes teaching is just a drag

OK, it's not worth my time writing out long lamentations about how some people can do a problem when the variable is x but not when the variable is V, or make it to class with their homework to turn in when they are specifically already being allowed to turn it in late, or get it through their heads that pi is a constant (though i would love to learn how to make blogger make a proper pi).

I gave a calc test this morning and two students came in when the period was already half-over and explained that they had been up all night studying and had fallen asleep at 7 am and slept over so could they have longer to finish the test. Yeah, i gave it to them, but my patience is totally shot. Especially since these guys will probably fail anyway.

See, i myself have been up since 4, with one fussing child or another -- C being sick, and M getting the idea that if C was up at 4 then it must be morning already, and my stupid husband who takes like a half an hour to smash a many-legged creature next to the bed, and yadda yadda never mind. It's too boring to type out.

Let's just say i am sleep deprived and annoyed, and leave it at that.

sleep stuff

The boys were very good sleepers when they were born. Somehow, though, 4 months of age, they got broken. There doesn't seem to be a toll-free number to call for service of the unit, and oddly enough neither of them came with a manual? Now ordinarily i don't read manuals anyway but occasionally they come in handy....

Seriously i know there is this 4-month sleep regression thing but i have been becoming dangerously sleep-deprived of late. What with the every-hour-on-the-hour wakings to nurse and the times when one or both wake up at 3 am ready to start the day....i find myself doing things like stopping on green and going on red. NOT good.

But guess what? Last night they both slept the night! Well, 11-4, anyway, but BOTH of them. Of course it is a fluke, tonight will be terrible again, but because Delphi mentioned it i thought i would write a post about where we are with sleep.

First of all, with A we didn't cry it out but with C we had to. At 18 months or so, and it was ugly. I kept waiting for her to 'find her rhythm' like A had but she, uh, never did. So i decided that if i had another baby, i would do sleep training Weissbluth-style at 4 months. Because it must be better to CIO sooner rather than later, if you are going to have to CIO.

But honestly, i haven't been able to implement it. Or rather, i have not yet decided to do it...i just don't want to. Jennifer at Arcane Matters has chronicled their CIO experience and though it seems very positive, i just am not there emotionally yet. So, i don't know.

That said, last night (and the previous night), there was CIO in my house. Basically because at 10:30 when they both wouldn't fall back asleep but needed to be walked with (& dh had an internet meeting with people on the other side of the globe), i was simply too tired to pace the floors with two screaming babies. So i put them down & let them holler, and eventually they fell asleep. Last night both fell asleep -- M in the crib (because he can self-soothe) and T in his swing (because he cannot) -- and slept 5 or 6 hours. The previous night they both fell asleep but were still up 2 hours later.

Yesterday during the day we started Moxie's 2-3-4 daytime nap schedule. I think that is more responsible for the successful night than the CIO. That, and cereal in the evening. For the record, they do the 2 & 3 but the 4 is all screwed up -- by the late afternoon i have to go pick up some selection of older children in some way, and it is different every day. So i don't think we will ever have a 'schedule' there.

Also, they won't nap at all now unless someone is holding them (well, 20 minutes maybe), which makes the daytime nap difficult to accomplish. I wouldn't mind lousy daytime napping if it meant nightime sleeping, but it doesn't seem to work that way. (*&@^%@$@$@@!!

So, anyway, we will see how it goes. I would prefer to avoid the full CIO treatment, if i can do it. But we will see, we will see...

Dia de los muertos 2007

This is the first year i can actually put stuff on a mantle. So i am very pleased...this year i also added Nicolas' teddy bear that Jenna made and the beautiful needlepoint of footprints that S made (click on the picture to make it bigger if you want to see). No marigold garland, though -- most of mine bit the dust in the August drought so i barely had enough to fill a vase. Oh well! And the interior of the fireplace looks gross, but oh well...one thing at a time around here. If that, you know.

I tried to involve C with the putting up of the pictures but she was too sugar-hyped last night to pay attention. She asked about it this morning, though, on the way to school. Also yesterday we had a goldfish fatality and resulting funeral, so lots of discussion there. I will post more about that, when i have a chance.

halloween 2007

[photos removed]

....as she was dumping ever more candy into her bag, the neighbor said, 'i didn't know you were such a little piggy, C!'

C, of course, said 'I not a piggy, I a kitty cat!'

4 month checkup (updated with pics)

We had our 4 month well-child visit yesterday. M is 13 lbs 6 oz & T is 13 lbs 9 oz. That is 25th percentile, so they are slowly moving up on the curve. Their head circumferences are in the 50th percentile, which i guess explains why they 'look big'. T started out 3 oz bigger & he still is! I do find that amusing...

Here is as good as anyplace to record milestones & stuff. Not that there are too many yet -- they both can grab stuff but not very well yet. They like to eat their hands...M is working on sitting up alone, and he can almost do it. (A could sit alone, tentpole style, at ~4 months, but C not until nearly 7 months) . M has very good torso control. He will sit (propped) and play with a toy, it is really cute. They have gotten a little too big for using the nursing pillow for nursing, but it is pretty good to use to prop up M. He still doesn't really like the Bumbo for long.
"This-is-my-favorite-toy-I-must-eat-it"

T has no interest in sitting and wants to go directly to standing. He falls over directly if you try to make him sit, but will stand for long periods of time & love it.
Apologies for lack of focus & direction. This is a difficult sort of picture to take by yourself. Most of them come out like this:


The ped says M's flat head is in the range of normal, and that we can start with feeding them cereal. I know alot of people say now to wait until 6 months but i think i am going to start them now...basically because often they don't take a bottle from April so if she can feed them a little cereal in the morning it would be good. Plus it would give them an exciting activity to do which then might facilitate a morning on-time nap. We will see...

BLOG DAY FOR THE MOTHERS ACT, OCTOBER 24, 2007

I just will put the text of the press release here because i am short on time...

Bloggers across the country encouraged to call their U.S. Senator on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 in support of The MOTHERS Act.

Postpartum Support International, the world largest non profit organization devoted to the support of perinatal mental health, has joined forces with BlogHer, the web number one guide to women bloggers and Postpartum Progress the leading blog in the U.S. on postpartum mood disorders to galvanize support for the passage of The MOTHERS Act - The Moms Opportunity to Access Help, Education, Research and Support for Postpartum Depression Act. On Wednesday, October 24th, bloggers across the country will write about taking action on this critical legislation by placing calls to their state's senators urging sponsorship and support of The MOTHERS Act.

The MOTHERS Act, sponsored by U.S. Senators Robert Menendez, (D-NJ) and Richard Durbin (D-IL) will ensure that new moms and their families are educated about PPD, screened for symptoms, and provided with essential services. It will also increase research into the causes,
diagnoses and treatments for postpartum depression.

Specifically, the MOTHERS Act will help new moms by:

Providing important education and screening on postpartum depression (PPD) that can lead to early identification and treatment. The legislation includes two grants to help health care providers educate, identify and treat PPD.

Expanding important research to improve and discover new treatments, diagnostic tools and educational materials for providers. Since the exact cause of PPD isn't known, research continues to be the key to unlocking the mystery of this condition.

Postpartum depression is a serious and disabling condition that affects up to 20 percent of new mothers - 800,000 American women each year. Yet only 15 percent of these women will receive any assessment or treatment .Untreated, consequences of maternal mood disorders range from chronic, disabling depression to death. Consequences of untreated maternal depression on infants/children range from behavioral and learning disabilities to depression and death.

Susan Dowd Stone, president of Postpartum Support International states The good news is that perinatal mood disorders are preventable and easily treated once detected. The MOTHERS Act legislation is key because its initiatives are preventive, educational and treatment
oriented. PSI urges you to participate in this important campaign.

Lisa Stone, BlogHer Co-founder and CEO, said "The BlogHer community has chosen Global Health as the focus for our year-long blogging activism initiative, BlogHers Act. Blog Day for the MOTHERS Act is exactly the kind of project where BlogHer's community can make a
difference on legislation that will save women's lives."

Katherine Stone, author of the Posptartum Progress blog, adds "Postpartum mood disorders are a disease of motherhood -- they can affect any woman who becomes a mother, regardless of who she is. If we don't do something to better educate and treat the mothers who may
suffer, we are doing a disservice to all mothers, children and families everywhere. All it takes is a phone call to let the Senate know that the women of America want the MOTHERS Act to pass."


Postpartum Support International is the world's largest nonprofit organization offering support, referrals, education, training, and resources to health care providers, women, and families coping with perinatal mood disorders. With coordinators in 49 states and 29 countries around the world, PSI is well-positioned to continue its mission of eradicating perinatal mental illness in every community worldwide. Thousands of women and concerned family members call our
national warm line each year, attend our annual conference for healthcare providers and consumers, and visit our website to find local resources and support. PSI's website www.postpartum.net warmline 1-800-944-4773.

winter garden?

Rosepetal asked: "What else blooms in winter in your garden (apart from winter pansies)?"

The answer is, not much. The roses, winter pansies, and the anemone, usually hang on until the first hard frost. Then i cut down the dead stuff & it is bare except for three boxwood bushes which are in Nicolas' garden (but will have to be moved somewhere else in spring because that is no longer working for me). The winter pansies bloom again the very early spring, along with the first bulbs (crocus, snowdrops. i am too lazy now to link pictures, sigh.) I also have that hellebore which is supposed to be early but not that early -- Lenten Rose, Helleborus orientalis. There is supposedly one which blooms earlier -- Christmas Rose, Helleborus niger i think. I would like to get one of those, when i have a place to plant it. (That involves finishing the corner of the yard into a shady glade/seating area, whereas it is currently 'pile of bricks and old wood'. Next year, ha ha)

So, really my garden is devoid of what is called 'winter interest' by landscapers. I have been giving some thought to this for awhile, especially in the context of planting the beds in front of the house. I had been trying to figure out which bushes/grasses/etc. to plant out there that would give the garden that so-desired four seasons of glory and still be in some sense Victorian.

But i discovered this was not possible, because the notion of the four-season garden is one which is quintessentially modern. As far as i could discover, the Victorians didn't have 'winter interest', -- though Victorian gardening crazes originated or popularized almost every other gardening concept we have in our box of tricks (carpet planting, mixed borders, tropical plants, container gardening, theme gardens, exotic plant collections etc etc etc). But though these things -- greenhouses, tropicals, annuals in abundance, etc -- extend the season and make it possible to plant things in areas where they would never naturally grown, there is still a season. Winter is a time for the earth to sleep, and not really to display.

In modern times, we are far from this. We as a culture want things to be 'on' all the time. There is a lack of respect for the seasons of our existence. The garden should have winter interest, there should be cherries in the market in January, the middle-aged woman should have the figure of the 19-year old. Ok, maybe that's a leap but it is not that far of a leap. People's lives have seasons too, and indeed i am glad for that. But you won't see all those seasons on TV or in a magazine. There, and thus somehow collectively in our expectations of existence, it is always spring.

gratuitously cute baby picture

[photo removed]

The boys are 4 months old now....it is going fast. They have their checkup next week. They are currently sleeping but that doesn't happen often -- they are now 20-minute nappers for the most part. I really need to do something about that, but it is hard to let them cry. I have not been taking that many pictures, which is bad...i will have to try to take more! (it's T in the green hat)

Yeah, so, okay, so much for break time, i didn't stay gone for long. But really -- the boys are sleeping, so if i don't blog, i might have to do some work or something!

Anemone 'Honorine Jobert'

OK, it looks the same as last year, but bigger. I love this plant, though, it is so pretty and blooms so late in the year, when there's not much else. Mine is finally almost big enough to split...i want to put it in front of the house too. So, next year, i guess...

vignette from my life

All the dry-erase markers were dead this morning in class, so i opened a new pack. Of a different brand. Wow, did they have an interesting smell.

"So, we define addition of the whole numbers in the following way. If a set R has r elements and a set S has s elements and R and S are disjoint, then the sum of r plus s, written r+s, is the number of elements in the union of R and S."

"Now, that is one CRAZY-ASS definition of addition, don't you think? I don't make this stuff up, you know. This bizarreness goes back to our friend Bertrand Russell..."

...wait a minute the students are laughing at me....

"in the early part of the 20th century, and the desires to put mathematics on a totally firm logical footing..."

...wait a minute did i just say 'crazy-ass' in class?...oh shit....

"Allright, I'm babbling, forget Bertrand Russell."

*silence*

"Well, you try lecturing when you've been up all night with two screaming infants and are breathing these marker fumes. I'm not kidding, they are intense. We should pass them around and ALL have a good time!"

*more laughter, this time presumably not at my expense?*

...hell now am i going to have pump my breast milk and dump it??.....

October 15th

Sarah's boy is here!

If you're waiting on me, i posted the news on Sarah's blog!

CONGRATULATIONS!

break time

OK, before you all hear news of some insane woman in Detroit skewering her husband with kitchen implements because of his total and complete multiple failures with the recycling...i had better pull back & take a little break from as many aspects of my life as possible. 'Cuz i'm on the edge here....

So, no blogging for a bit, until i get my life in some better order here -- a process which may include such shocking measures as eating takeout and hiring a cleaning lady...just once a month would make *such* a big difference around here. But i am weird about having people clean my house...so we will see. Anyway i will be back in a week or so, but not reading/commenting until then. And maybe when i get back i can manage more content than cute stories of the kids...or, well, maybe not...

at the zoo

This is pretty pathetic -- M & T's first trip to the zoo and i got ONE picture of them . And it took me 3 weeks to post it. And i haven't taken very many pictures since. I suck.

For what it's worth, i got few pictures because they hated the zoo. I don't know if it was the crowds or the smells or the sun or what. But they fussed the whole way, didn't want to eat, screamed in hunger, the whole bit. Well, at least C had a good time.

Oh, i forget who asked but M is always dressed in blue, and T in non-blue. Which is often green but we also have orange/brown/white/etc. Otherwise, i would forget who is who on the photos (as has already been demonstrated...) In person it is easier to tell them apart, they have their defining characteristics.

today's lofty goal is....

....to take a shower. Aim high, i always say!

I will let you know if i manage it....

always an adventure

C has been 'in bed' for half an hour -- meaning the light is off and she gets out every 5-10 minutes with some new excuse. Apparently she has run out excuses, since now she is in there yelling 'Penguin! Penguin! Penguin!' at the top of her lungs.

???

blah

blah blah blah blah blah and blah.

Lots of work here, wish i had time to do it, heh heh.

It will soon be time to talk to C a little more about death, not sure how i am going to go about that. But it is part of her play now ('he got died! she got died!') though she does not get the concept at all, she doesn't know what it means. And she's really into counting family members etc. and it bugs me when she counts brothers but doesn't even know Nicolas existed. I mean, i have talked about him briefly with her but it didn't really take. With Day of the Dead coming up, it seems a good idea to involve her in my little ritual (i put up pictures etc., not quite in the rollicking Mexican style but i do do it, okay here is a link to last year's ofrenda ) and talk about our family members that have died. But i am not sure how to answer the inevitable question of 'where are they now', which in fact she already asked me about Nicolas. And of course 'uh, on top of my dresser' didn't seem like the right answer somehow...

Julie at a little pregnant posted about this recently which puts it at the forefront of my mind today. (anyway it's better than thinking about that tenure thing) I asked dh a few days ago about this, what should we tell her. I would tell her the heaven deal, because it is easier, and i am trying to be Catholic anyway....but he is opposed to 'heaven'. His suggestion was 'tell her it's like going on a vacation but you don't come back'....i am hoping he was kidding? Oh, his second suggestion was 'search the internet for answers'. Ok, i am good at that. At very least i can ask my friends ;)

stuff

Yesterday was Nicolas' 4 1/2-year-old birthday. I was going to post about it but didn't get done with that. It is not an upsetting day for me, these half-birthdays, though i do notice them. It is hard to believe it is nearly five years.

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Speaking of nearly five years, my department chairman told me last week that the department wants to put me up for tenure review this year. I had no idea, i was thinking next year at the earliest. In fact it is a huge project, applying for tenure, and i don't have any clue how i will find the time to do it all, when i am barely keeping up as it is. So technically i could easily put off until next year. But on consultation with advisors/mentors i decided to go this year, because this will maximize my chances. I have done ZERO work, effectively, since i found out i was pg with twins, and if i wait until next year there will most probably be a nice fat hole in my publication list that reflects that fact. I look better on paper this year, than i will next year. But my god i don't know where i am going to find the time to prepare my stuff.

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M & T have given up napping during the day (they are power nappers now -- 15 or 20 minutes & that's it) and don't want to take a bottle from April...even a bottle of breastmilk. The upside is that i can keep up with their needs by pumping at work, now that they aren't eating anything, ha ha. Lately they've been happy with April -- playing, not screaming -- buy they just refuse to eat until i come home. I guess as long as they are not screaming, that's okay....

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I got a crock pot, before Michael went on his trip. It has made my life workable! Though it does require some advance planning. I can fill it with stuff when i wake up in the morning, before the babies wake up, and dinner is ready when i want it. It is great....except it is a little difficult to make anything, well, palatable. Thus far the verdict on the food produced ranges from 'disgusting' to 'acceptable' to tonight's victory of 'i guess i can't complain'. That is A's verdict, by the way. The husband is too smart to say anything really bad, he is just glad that he doesn't have to make dinner.

Does anyone have any good crock pot recipies?

young love

I just saw one of my Calc students waiting for his girlfriend after her class. Such a look of supreme joy on his face when she just walked into the room!

How is it that we go from that joy....to resentments, hatred, and constant bickering over coffee grounds and the lawn?

Sigh...

C's days

"Let's play school, mommy"

"OK"

"I the teacher"

"Sure"

"Sit on the blue line cross your legs cross your legs mommy these are the primary colors this one is a primary color that one is a primary color it isn't time for lunch yet but you can have some snack here are some crackers and cheese do you like it? I made you crackers and cheese for your snack Monday Tuesday Monday Tuesday Monday Tuesday don't be rude. What do you have for lunch today Wednesday Thursday be nice mommy don't be rude. It isn't rest time yet I use the potty every time do you want to draw a picture these are the primary colors it's time to go to the playground..."

too much time with a toddler?

So i walked into class this morning and overheard some students working on a problem together.

"a plus b, no, b plus c"

and i very nearly said

"I'll meet you at the top of the coconut tree!"

Now that would have been embarrasing. I guess it is clear i am not neglecting my mommy duties...

Clematis paniculata

is currently making quite the show in Nicolas' garden.


(the bush gone wild is Rosa Rugosa Alba, which desperately needs a trim)
Can you believe the clematis is so huge, after just two years? Not much else is blooming now.
A few roses have some flowers....
And i managed to get the winter pansies in the ground before DH left for the week. He is in Japan now (at least i hope he is, he left yesterday afternoon and i still haven't got word that he arrived safely) and i knew that if i had them sitting in the 6-pack all week they would die. So i made a point of dropping them in the ground on friday.

I have a doorbell!

And it only took three years!

Do you see it? It's the thing in the middle of the new door....


The doorbell was the first piece of hardware i bought for the house (ebay). It is an old Eastlake Victorian one, like the rest of the hardware. Yeah, i know it is iron & the doorknob is brass, but in fact they *would* mix like that, so it's okay. I should take a picture of the bell on the back, but i didn't, ha ha. It makes a beautiful *bing*. So, no longer will people have to call me on their cells to make me come open the door.

Except, noone can seem to figure out that (1) that is the doorbell and (2) how to make it bing (you push up, not down or out), so now i will have people calling on their cells to ask me to explain how to make the doorbell ring!

double the fun

[photos removed]

undie update

I bought the boy's Lightning McQueen underwear and C is happily wearing it as we speak. It is colder this week so she is wearing tights, i doubt the other kids will even notice. In any case i mentioned it to her teacher so that way i can find out if it causes any social problems.

The thing is, since the boy's undies have the trapdoor on the front, the design is on the back. This was a problem for Miss C, of course -- 'I want to see Lightning!' so you can guess the solution. She is currently wearing her boy's underpants backwards!

a problem

C *so* wants Lightning McQueen underwear that she wants to be back in pullups. The only Lightning McQueen underwear they make is for boys. All the girl's panties are princesses (of which we have plenty and to spare) Can i buy my girl boy's underwear? Won't the kids at school mock her?

bumbo boys

Grandma bought the boys Bumbos! Which is great because i wasn't about to pay 40 bucks for a molded piece of rubber/plastic/whatever. And they like 'em for a little while at least. I think they are probably a little young for them yet, since they can't sit in them long without starting to look uncomfortable. M has the blue one, T is green. C is busily engaged in her new favorite task of cutting up paper into (almost) infinitesimally small pieces and scattering them all over the room.

[photos removed]

been better

Well, yes, i know it is a period of transition, what with the work schedule + the new school + the babysitter etc. So i comfort myself with this...it will improve, this is just a period of transition. But yeah, when the highlight of your day is the catcall of some random truck driver, there is certainly room for improvement.

Gee, i must not look all that bad after all, if truck drivers are hooting at me. Yes, i know it is because all of my tops that i wear to work are size 'small' and my boobs are a size 'filled-with-milk-XXL' but hey, a girl will take what she can get. The giant boobs at least pull the eyes away from the flabby disgusting belly. I would be really out-of-luck if i wasn't breastfeeding. Except, if i wasn't breastfeeding, i could be spending more time working on & cleaning the house, and diet and even go to the gym -- as my ever so helpful loving supportive husband tells me. OK, to be fair, he did not actually say out loud the horrifying words 'diet and go to the gym', (which are banned in my household). Though there has been some under-the-breath muttering about 'weight training' recently...

I haven't really talked about my marital issues here, and i don't want to. Even if it is restricted in it's readership, i just don't want this blog to go there. After all, what is going to happen except me venting about what an ass my husband is, and everyone else responding 'OMG what an ass your husband is!' Not sure what the point of that would be...plus even trying to talk about it makes me tired. Hell, everything makes me tired.

He's not always an ass, by the way, but he does have his moments. We were getting along badly through my pg with the twins, then when they were born things abruptly got better between us. Pregnancy is always difficult on us...but now things are going badly again. And, by the way, he is going to japan for a week, leaving on September 17th. And i actually am looking forward to his being gone, so that tells you things. Not that he doesn't help around the house -- he does do alot. It will be very difficult with him gone, even if April can do alot more hours. But somehow a certain stressor will be missing...

Pumping at work sucks. Ha ha no pun intended though. I find it emotionally very difficult to have to do -- to do this & that, run back to the office to pump, try to do it efficiently, and to get enough milk. This thing about looking at a picture of your baby while trying to suck milk out of your body so that someone ELSE can feed it to them while you are sitting in a room far away looking at a picture is just a modern absurdity of epic proportions. And i am lucky, because i have a private office in which to practice this absurdity....i don't have to go to some 'pumping room'. I am responding more & more poorly to the pump, of course, and it seems that the babies are having a growth spurt to boot. That or they are freaking out that i am gone too much so that when they see me they want to be connected constantly. Or both, dunno which. I am glad it is the weekend. Where my husband can sneer at me while i feed them and tell me i would be better off for the whole family if i gave them formula 'and just 2-4 ounces of breastmilk a day, they'll get plenty of antibodies'. Harrumph.

first day of school pics

[photos removed]

culture clash

Grandma came....and took C to the big box toy store OF DOOM.

Gee, what girl doesn't need a giant stuffed horse?

Me: You bought her WHAT?

MIL: I know, isn't it gross? Totally a gift only a Grandma would buy. People were staring at us as we were leaving the store with it....thinking 'Boy is she going to get in trouble!'

Me: But why did you BUY it then?

MIL: I told her i would get her whatever she wanted, and that's what she wanted.

Me: *temporarily without the power of speech*

MIL: You should have seen her, she was so excited! Running down all the aisles -- there was that pink princess aisle...she was amazed. Eyes as big as saucers.

Me: Well, of course. She has never been there before.

MIL: *temporarily without the power of speech* She's never been there?

Me: Nope. She probably thought she was in heaven. Why would i take her to that store?

MIL: *stares at me in wonderment*

Me: If you took her to a GOOD toy store and let her pick what she wanted, she would be less able to pick something gross.

MIL: Well, actually she really wanted the giant PINK horse with the silver mane, but i nixed that one.

Me: Good call.

look what we grew....

[photo removed]

A giant zucchini! It was so big C could hardly lift it. The neighbors said we should've entered it in the state fair...however we were really hungry so we ate it instead.

first day of school....

...for C at the montessori, and for me back teaching. Oy, very depressing. Leaving her screaming there, leaving the boys. I know it is only for a few hours. I know i am very lucky that i had the whole summer -- didn't have to teach since 29 weeks of pregnancy. They are 2 1/2 months old now, a lot of people don't get that much time off and have to go back 40 hours a week...i only do 20. But still it is depressing. I don't want to go...

blaaah

I owe quite a few people emails, i am sorry. I am totally behind. Still trying to get ready to start school next week. Actually most of my teaching stuff is done but have a bunch of nitty-gritty to take care of. I keep remembering more things i have to do. BLAH. I will never catch up. My MIL is coming tonight, probably, so i had better do something about the state of the house. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I wish i could just hide in my bed and sleep.

b-day pics

Some outfit, huh? Her shirt says 'this is my birthday shirt', courtesy of S...
The mermaid cake....My neighbor R made it. She's the nosy one...but she loves C to bits and is happy to do stuff like this. She & her daughter made cupcakes with a mermaid theme too. S made handmade princess invitations...and came early to put up decorations. I did almost nothing (though i did clean the house!)...it takes a village, to throw a kid's birthday party...
Presents....

....are more fun when everybody helps unwrap!


It was a great party! Of course, put a bunch of kids in a room with some balloons and it is always good....Oh, and her actual birthday isn't until this Friday (i wanted to avoid a party on labor day weekend, because most people are going away, including the lady who made the cake, heh heh). So none of your birthday wishes are belated yet...

quick

April did show up by the end of the day -- she had been hospitalized for an asthma attack & had a phone issue at the same time. Of course i only had the one number for her & she only had the one number for me. Thus we pay for our over-reliance on cell phones. So she is fine now and back on the job, and we have emergency backups and all that now. I guess we should have had that before but my mind doesn't work very well these days....

It is 9:10 pm and all the littles are in bed sleeping! This is a first, i hope it is not a last though...

Tomorrow is C's birthday party....she will be three, i can hardly believe it. so i have been cleaning all day, as much as i can. I cleaned out some of the weeds in the garden (it looked so bad...) because she wanted to have cake outside. But of course it seems there are thunderstorms in the forecast...anyway i will post pics when i have them.

miscellanea

April didn't show up for work this morning. No phone call, and her phone is disconnected. OK, so much for that babysitter...possibly the job was emotionally too much to handle after all. But now i am in a bad spot -- no sitter & work starts in 10 days.
______________________________________

I agree with Julia's rant about options....i guess that is why i assumed that April's loss was further in the past. They don't treat you with much respect when you are young. But i suppose that even when you are older, they don't often treat you with much respect. Goddamn. It is very wrong.
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A new montessori school is opening up for fall, essentially just around the corner from our house. And they have a very attractive 'introductory' tuition rate. So C may very well end up going there...we will go visit it tomorrow.
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The boys weigh in at 9 lbs 11 oz (M) and 10 lbs 2 oz (T). Which is 10th percentile still...but they look good to me. Chloe is 80th percentile in height and weight, so yes she *is* big for her age, and all of a sudden too, since she was always 50th percentile before. I thought it was kind of an illusion that she looked so big & grown up -- that it was just because the babies are so small -- but apparently not. She was her on usual behavior at the doctor's office for her checkup -- whiny and difficult for the nurses, and a bundle of smiles & happiness for the doctor. I dare not change to a female doctor, who would she flirt with then?
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I have lost no weight at ALL since giving birth to the boys. Not a freaking ounce. I thought breastfeeding twins was supposed to be some kind of magic diet, but no dice. NOW i will have to figure out how to cut calories without endangering my precarious milk supply. That or invest in a whole new wardrobe. Oh, and a whole new hubby who doesn't mind having a porky wife.
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A has school orientation tomorrow, and not a single pair of school shoes that fit. So we are going to get some now....once i can get out of my PJ's....
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Looking at the catalogs for bulbs for spring....can't believe it is that time already.

another dead baby story

April (the babysitter) and i took the babies to their 2-month checkup today. In the car on the way back we got to talking, and yeah you already know where this is going.

'I had a miscarriage', she said, 'I was 6 months along'. Not a miscarriage in my book...but what happened was that she fell, and as a result the baby died -- no labor, they did a D&E. I told her my own dead baby story, in brief, and ascertained that she had not been given a choice between laboring vs. the D&E, they just did it. 'Like an abortion', she said, 'they sucked it out, but the baby was already dead.' But she said she wouldn't have wanted to labor anyway....which i can understand, actually. That would not be my choice now, but prior to my loss i would most likely have chosen a surgical procedure too.

Anyway, i asked her how old she was at the time. Somehow i had gotten the impression it was quite far in the past. '22', she said, 'it was a year ago'. A year ago? And she accepted my job? Which is what i said to her -- i know i couldn't have done that, a year after Nicolas died...take care of someone else's babies. Heck, i don't even think i had held one yet. 'It's fine, usually', April said. 'I'm fine...this weekend was hard though. Two baby showers.'

Oh, what to say? There is nothing to say. I am so sad -- for her, for me, for all of us. So, so many. There was some chocolate ice cream in the freezer, (Ben & Jerry's Phish food), and i ate a good deal of it...but it didn't help. There just isn't enough chocolate in the world, to make it better.

two months old

[photo removed]

As they get plumper they look more and more identical. I no longer dress them alike because if i do, i mix them up! If this continues, i will have to mark one of them somehow (dot of nail polish on a toenail, perhaps.)

They are on one of the quilts that my neighbor had made for them.

ramping up to fall...

C's birthday party is in a little more than a week, then she starts at a different preschool (though i have not yet decided which one), Alexander starts school on the 27th (orientation is next week), i start teaching right after Labor day. I have not even looked at any of my teaching materials yet. I hired a lady (her name is April) to sit the babies 20 hours a week, she started this week. I am trying to get them on some kind of schedule...We are trying to finish the 3rd floor so it is ready for renting, ha ha ha.

So yeah, it is a little hectic around here. I am still figuring out how i am going to manage all of this!!!

an amusing interaction

This was from last week at the mall, after my visit to the OB's office, but i forgot to blog about it then.

Saleslady A: Oh, twins! Look at the twins!

Saleslady A & B gush over babies for awhile

Saleslady A: So, is it hard, having two at once?

Me: Uh, it's not easy....

Saleslady A: Someone who works here always says that God only gives you what you can handle. Is it you who always says that?

Saleslady B: No, it isn't me....

Me: Well, that's bull anyway.

*everybody laughs*, Saleslady A says appreciatively 'Listen to her! She says it's bull!'

I hate that particular statement, which i have heard many times in connection with both Nicolas' death and with the birth of the twins...but i have never dared contradict it before. I would not have dared here either except it was clear that the person who really believed it was not there. I am not assertive enough to contradict someone about something like this to their face -- if someone is trying to make me feel better or bolster my confidence or whatever they are trying to do, i can't seem to tell them they are spewing nonsense. So i was pleased to finally be able to say it somehow, to someone -- even if not the lady who made the original statement.

big day

C went to daycare in underwear, and wore it all day with no accidents! Yay!

I am not foolish enough to believe that our potty training is anywhere near done, but it is a big milestone so i record it here. That way, if i ever dig her baby book out and want to write it down, i can look up the date...

cloth diapers

Check it out, we are now big enough that we fit into our cloth diapers! (Bum Genius one-sizes)

blaaaah

OK, the babies are taking a long beautiful nap and i should go take a shower and vacuum while i can. But as you see i am blogging. I am kind of in the doldrums since my postpartum appointment on monday. Don't exactly know why, though.

Dr. B greeted me with 'Hey, we had a story just like yours the other day' -- i immediately thought he was talking about Nicolas and started wondering if i should ask him if i could contact the woman, or not, seeing as i have newborns. Even though he wasn't my OB then, of course, it seems to me that Nicolas' death colors all my interactions at the OB's office. But apparently he was talking about a lady who was completely and totally shocked when she found out she was carrying spontaneous twins. I guess, thinking about it, if it was a story of death he would not have yelled it across the hallway, eh? Duh. But what else could i think of, when the OB says 'a story like yours'? I forget, i suppose, that people in real life don't automatically associate me with dead babies.

So my appointment went well, everything is fine, i didn't cry or anything. There's just something upsetting, disconcerting about these things. I fed myself junk food and went to the mall afterward to shake it off. It worked, temporarily. But now two days later, there is a moment of quiet and i want to cry again. Still can't figure out why. Luckily the moment of quiet will not last. So very luckily! Maybe it is just that going to the OB reminds one so viscerally of how easily, how quickly, things could be so very different.

sunflowers

just a cute pic. All the sunflowers are volunteers, coming up in various places in the vegetable garden. The sunflower on the right is 'Lemon Queen', a 'decorative' variety that i planted last year. The one on the left is the one from the birdseed. C loves to fill the bird feeder but tends to drop seed everywhere, so these are coming up all over the place. Oddly enough, i think they are alot prettier than the so-called 'decorative' ones.

Happy Birthday Abee

Several of you have asked about Abee -- indeed he was sorely neglected when M and T first came home. Poor Abee! But he seems to have regained C's attention now...and the other day she decided it was his birthday. Here he is in his party hat, waiting to eat his cake!



We didn't have very many party guests but Abee's friend Bitty Baby did come, wearing her pink top and white bonnet. (Yes, his party hat is part of Bitty Baby's princess costume but perhaps it would be more prudent not to mention that to him)

i made cookies

Chocolate chip. Stuck inside with kids on a rainy day, what are you going to do? C loves to measure and mix, and rub chocolate all over the couch. The hubby informed me, upon coming home, that the cookies weren't very good. Indeed, they were hard as rocks -- something which happens when you consistently leave them in the oven too long while you are busy with other things. But rock-hard cookies are good when dipped in that morning cup of coffee.

Theoretically, anyway. I guess they weren't that bad after all. I should have stashed some in my sock drawer.

no title

I have not been around much, everything is fine but it has been a tough week. 6-week growth spurt for the twins, massive doses of jealousy from C, etc etc etc. So in the absence of content here is a picture of the boys, who have now actually outgrown their preemie clothes.

[photos removed]

Natalie's birthday

Alysse's mom lives within reasonable driving distance of us, and that is where Natalie had her first birthday party so the kids & i got to go! I got a few pictures of Natalie & C so here are some. I should have got more but you know how that is...Natalie is so beautiful! And Alysse & Robert are so nice. Alysse's mom also has a lovely house & garden, and a special memory garden planted for Julian. I am glad we got to go and glad they invited us! C, of course, had a blast.

[photos removed]

staying home

Yeah, i decided to stay home, not go to my mother's. Even before aforementioned sleepless night. We had an, ahem, wonderful conversation yesterday which clinched it. I am not going to make a great effort to go where i am not wanted.

I wanted to respond to some comments/questions though.

did she do this to you when you were a child?

No, actually, i had a lovely childhood. My dad wasn't very physically present but other than that, i had a very loving home. It was only when my father left that things went downhill, though it was a pretty steep plunge. (i was 12 when they separated)

I know it's easier said than done, but stick up for yourself and stop letting her manipulate you. Once she sees that it isn't working to her advantage, she'll stop.

Tried that. No, she doesn't stop. This sort of thing has been going on for years now and the effect of my sticking up for myself is simply that we don't speak for months on end. And then when we do start speaking again (usually initiated by her, sometimes by me), the same thing happens. She is a very stubborn woman, and though i don't consider myself to be so, i can't possibly cave in on everything. Yet with my mom, it is basically her way or the highway.

I suspect there is more to the story, though......

Well, that is certainly true -- i could write a whole other blog on my relationship with my mother. I tried to keep it short...it was still a long post. The whole story would probably start out 20-odd years ago. And then, of course, there is her side of the story. I know her friends, who hear her take on events, think that i am a selfish, manipulative bitch with very little character or backbone who only cares about money. This causes me a bit of pain but there is not much i can do.

One example of 'more to the story' is the very fact of her visiting me. I say 'it is very hard for her to visit me.' This is true -- her health is not that good. She cannot drive here, because of her poor eyesight. She refuses to fly (or take long bus/train...same thing), because 'the last time i flew that awful woman coughed on me and i could not shake that sickness for three years. It *still* comes back sometimes.' Fine, okay, but you would think that if you were sick with diahhrea/cramps for 3 years you would eventually, uh, go see a doctor about that. But no. 'They don't know anything anyway', she says, 'i can save my $10 copay'. Okay then.

Well, let's leave this depressing topic.

eeeek

I just opened my snail mail and got a new baby card from an aquaintance, it was this one.

Yikes! And after the thing detailed below, too. I think i need a stiff drink...or five...

statistical anomaly...

Infant Smothering Deaths Spike in Detroit

5 in less than a week? Shit!

Thus endeth my foray into co-sleeping (I try to have them sleep in crib or bassinet but usually by 3-4 am they have both been ending up in the bed with me). And, ok, thus endeth my foray into sleeping at all. Last night, with no co-sleeping, i garnered 45 minutes of sleep total. Luckily we got in a nap this morning.

I guess maybe i should invest in a co-sleeper though i have heard from numerous people that this is a waste of money & doesn't work. They are way too expensive to justify it though. It doesn't even *look like* it would work !

another poll...

My blog has kind of devolved into nothing but baby pictures & happy talk. Which is nice but kind of boring, i know. It's not that there is nothing else in my head, it's just that i don't have the energy necessary at this time to write about it.

So here's a synopsis of some current drama & a question. My mother has been speaking to me of late, even back to the point of emailing or calling every day (after not speaking to me for most of my pregnancy with the twins, because she was so angry at me for getting pregnant again). But then, a few weeks ago i told her my father & his wife would come to visit. She was incensed that the wife would see the babies before she (my mother) would. Well, it is not as if my mother isn't invited here -- but she will not come, because in addition to being 'fed up' and 'disappointed' with me, she has decided that dh is an asshole. Long story. So, she will not come, and i wasn't really planning on traveling with two newborns, so she will not see the babies. Which would be sad, except she was just so rude and awful for so many months about their very existence that i don't really care.

However, in an effort to, well, make an effort, i decided i would take A & the babies & go visit her. Yes, it is a 7-hour drive, probably a *little* longer with kiddos who want to eat every two hours. Yes, it means leaving C with dh because i can't handle them *all*. Yes, i have no actual desire to go. But i am also tired of hearing 'you never come to see me, i don't mean anything to you, i am the last dog on the stick' or whatever it is that she says whenever she is in that mood. And the boys are well-behaved, it will not be that hard, i can do it. So i suggested to her that we come visit, for a few days (3-4, really, not long). And she agreed and gave me dates that would work for her -- next sunday, to be exact. We were supposed to go next sunday.

Ok, today she called & told me that i am disinvited, no discussion, this is firm, i cannot go...because it is 'too hard to do with babies'. Right. She is being noble, sacrificing her needs for mine. Except that on schedule for the next holiday it will be right back to 'everybody gets to see you but me, you never come here, even that bitch got to see the babies and i didn't, i am the last dog, blah blah'. (bear in mind that we are always disinvited for the holidays, which she spends alone.)

It's hard to know when to stop with the details, i mean say the word 'holidays' and i am tempted to launch into the story of the hot water heater....oy.

ANYway, the question (if you got this far reading this nonsense) is, should i go anyway or not? The last time i went to her house when i had been disinvited, i sat in her driveway for 2 hours arguing with her on my cell phone, until my battery died. And then i turned the car around and drove 3 hours back to where i had been. But i was by myself that time, no kids. I do think she would let me in the house, if i had kids with me. But i am still not sure i want to do it. She is very stubborn and unpleasant (though i think she would behave in front of A), and i don't know that it is worth it.

one-month checkup

The twins seem to be doing fine -- M is 7 lbs 4 oz (3.29 kg) and T is 7 lbs 7 oz (3.4 kg). That is like 5th percentile of 1-month olds, which is kind of lousy -- but if you correct for the fact they were born at 37 weeks it is pretty ok. Their height & head circumferences are in the same 5-10th percentile. I suspect that they will catch up in a couple of months.

Other than that, nothing to report. No news is good news!

Dora does Detroit

"Get out, C, we're home...let me help you..."

"Dere's Swiper the Fox!"

"Uh, oh, Swiper! Where is he?"

"He right dere, a-hind dat car!"

"That sneaky fox! I'd better be careful. What do you think he is going to swipe?"

"He going to swipe your purse!"
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"In this neighborhood, i wouldn't doubt it."

just a thought

A was watching some junk on TV yesterday -- spongebob marathon or something really worthwhile like that. A commercial came on, featuring Shrek & Donkey, courtesy the US Health department...

"Get out and play! An hour a day!"

Yes, a commercial to tell kids to play outside. I think i had to pick my chin off the floor. What the fuck is wrong with our society??

I had just gotten used to those commercials for hard liquor, too....sigh....

post about nothing

I realized i hadn't posted in awhile but i have little to say. My dad is coming to visit later this week so i am trying to clean the house. Lucky i still have a few days.

Here is a cute pic, even if they are sleeping.

[photo removed]

Play gym

Lots of fun!


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A little poll

Is the orangey-yellow of the sunrays too bright? Keep in mind we still need to put on the decorative columns and when he paints those he will use some of the yellow in them as well, to tie it all together. (By the way, those are my neighbor K's flowers, not mine. I have nothing in the front yet...well, next year.)

[photos removed]

AC update

The guy is here, working on moving the A/C. It will costs us $350 extra.

No, i am not eminently reasonable and kind, i am just afraid of confrontation. Especially with the neighbors, i am completely frightened of confrontation with the neighbors. Much more so than in any other setting. But we live in a very small, tight neighborhood and it is extremely important to me that it stays that way. We can't move in any case, and i know i wouldn't want to live with ire surrounding me. Plus, it turns out, upon asking some questions, that the whole thing is mostly my dh's fault anyway. What a surprise.

See, apparently there is a city ordinance that you can't put an AC unit on the side of the house without your neighbor's approval. I didn't know that, but dh was told by another neighbor. I assumed that he asked K if he could put there, not because of the ordinance but because we know she is very touchy anyway so it is simply sensible to run such a thing by her before doing it. But he did not ask her. He apparently told every other person in the neighborhood besides the one directly involved. Typical.

So, yeah, i think we can rest some blame on his head. Not that i said anything to him, he is pissed off enough at himself & the rest of the world already. OK, i may have gone off a little when he told me he bought generic peanut butter because the brand i like is '$2 more, so it's too expensive'... but no actual violence took place, so it's all good...

*@&#^#^@*!*(!&@&^#)(&**&^!&^R@

That's what i get for posting something positive about the air conditioning.

So, no sooner do i push 'post' than my neighbor comes home and throws a complete fit about it -- apparently the condenser-thing (i have no idea what it actually is called) is several inches over HER property line. Well, boo hoo hoo. But i did not realize that dh didn't let her know that we were going to install it on the side of our house, where it is quite close to her house. Nevertheless.

I can't reach dh so i can't be sure what he will say about moving it, i am sure the installers will charge us more seeing as it is nearly installed where it is. But they won't do it tonight anyway.

My neighbor is pregnant, 10 weeks now, a surprise and much-wished for pregnancy (she had been told by doctors that she could not conceive). Which actually is why i am willing to humor her and move the damned thing to the back of the house, even though it is totally unreasonable. After all, in a battle between the hormonal pregnant and the hormonal post-partum, no winner and lots of hurt feelings seems the most likely result...

Yay AC

The guys are here now, installing it. Not a moment too soon, poor Max has a heat rash on his face.

I had to move one hosta, which was planted where they wanted to put the condenser-thing. 'Do i have to move that one too?' i asked the guy. 'No, that one should be fine.' Well, next time i looked out the window that one was tramped to the ground and had lost all of it's leaves. Oh well. It is a measure of my relief at actually seeing these guys that i don't give a crap!

sick

So, we are all down with a lovely cold that dh brought home. Actually the babies haven't really got it yet so i assume that the breastfeeding is helping with their immunity -- though i am, of course, the sickest of everyone. They are a little fussy & not sleeping at night but that could be another growth spurt thing too, it's more or less that time. Their noses are not running yet...

Anyway i feel like crap! And it is hot as hell again. I discussed the portable AC with dh and it turns out he really does want to do the central air....so ok...the guy is supposed to come tomorrow. Again. We will see if he shows....

Check it out

This is what my dh spent his 4th of July doing.

Sunrays for the front porch rails! They look pretty good, he is very proud of himself. They still need to be painted...i will post an 'after' picture when it is all done. Well, 'all' is not the right word. I mean, when this part is done.

Hmmmm...

I don't know exactly why T has a piece of paper behind his ear...

...but i can pretty well tell you how it got there...

[photos removed]

random (mostly baby) musings

Delphi's comment about hearing that one should call twins by their names made me laugh. I have actually heard that from several sources. But, i mean -- like they're not separate people already? They had different personalities in utero. I can't imagine that referring to them as 'the twins' or 'the boys' is going to change that! Whoever these people were who thought otherwise, they must have very little to worry about.

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M and T (ha ha) are more alert these days, but they are still 'good babies', they don't fuss too much. Of course i just wrote that and they are starting to fuss, so i will have to finish this post later.

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I guess now that the boys are here we are not planning to try to have more kidlets. This makes me sort of sad but, well, practicality intrudes. I am not ready for anything permanent in the birth control department but have been considering the Mirena IUD. Anyone have experience (good or bad) with this that they would feel comfortable sharing?

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Television is the devil. After two days of cable i have changed from the kind of person who says 'DVR? Why do you need a DVR?' to the kind who says 'What do you MEAN i can't get Jon & Kate plus 8 in HD?? That is ridiculous! Maybe we should change to Dish network!'

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Yesterday i wore non-maternity pants. True, they were size humongous and i still had to suck in & fold up the belly to close them, but they were non-maternity pants. I was very proud. That is, until i bent down and they split up the back.

Sigh.

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There is no air conditioning. The guy bumped us for someone else's job and now dh is having cold feet (warm feet?!) about the whole process. It's really more than we can afford to do right now...or rather, if we do this we will not be able to do other things which were budgeted with the renovation money we have left. Lately the weather has been no problem. It is only a problem if it is over 90 degrees 3 days in a row, that's when the house gets *too* hot. Dh said, 'well, if we have 10 such days for the rest of the summer, that comes to $300 a day...' yeah, when he puts it that way....central air isn't cheap. I am thinking maybe of just getting a window unit?

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Breastfeeding is still going fine, though i do wonder about the babies' weight gain. I guess i should go get them weighed if i am really worried. They seem happy enough. I still have to supplement a little at night. I wonder if i should make the push to eliminate this extra formula, but i know that means several *really* sleepless nights and that is just not very much fun.

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Back to the good baby thing....last week we went to our neighbor's fireworks bbq (in Detroit, the fireworks are never on the 4th, they are the week before. I dunno why.) and i brought the boys sleeping in the baby carriage....they were very good. Some guy said to me 'you are so lucky they are good babies'. 'yes, i am', i said....'you don't know how lucky you are!' he said. LORD i hate this comment -- i am luckier than HE knows, and it has nothing to do with the babies' sleep schedule. 'I've had non-good babies', i said, with a smile. 'Ah, then you DO know how lucky you are!' he said. Uh-huh.

My mother also said something like this to me after they were born, when she was still speaking to me (long story). 'You don't know how lucky you are, you don't know what *could* have happened'. 'Uh, i think i know better than you what all *could* have happened'. 'No, you do NOT'. Duuuh-oh. Just another thing to let slide. But this is so fucking grating on the nerves. And my dad's bullshit too -- 'see, prayer works! Let me tell you a story about the power of prayer!' 'Another time okay? I think i hear the babies waking up'. Another time when i have the strength for this discussion, i will list for you the names of all the babies that i have prayed for that are dead. Also the babies i have prayed for that are alive. That's my story about the power of prayer. And my conclusion -- seems like prayer doesn't really work, but what else are we supposed to do? So i pray anyway, hoping but not expecting that it will make a difference. But don't fucking proselytize to me, okay?

I have more to say on this subject, but i am hungry now and want a snack.